Saturday, September 6, 2014
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
It's not what you have always wanted but it has to be enough.
Because you never asked for anything more than you think you deserve. You sigh. You realize now that you have never thought you deserve better or more or anything like something you feel you want. If that's not saying something you don't know what is.
You're sick. You're alone. But you're ok. You have to be.
I wonder if I should be depressed or relieved that not many people are reading this. Laughs. I should really stop being so indecisive and 'be awesome instead'. Barney's word. I find that guy inspiring and a little bit crazy. Crazy awesome sometimes. He's ok.
I found a wonderful graphic artist named Dan Matutina. He's awesome. His works are so good and inspiring my hands are itching to make something of my own too.
Side note: People who have set perspectives are difficult to persuade. Really. I'm just sayin'. Just consider being kind and talking for a change.
I'd follow my dreams if I had wings and I could fly. But I could glide well enough and I have to content myself in craning my neck up to the sky I'd never reach.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Under the clouds, life seems safe and normal but really, it's just the eye of the storm.
Haven't slept last night again. Panda eyes and some Dean Winchester banner thingies are the result. Here it is:
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Will you, walk me
To the edge again
Shaking, lonely, and I am drinking again
Woke up tonight and no one's here with me
Insomnia, great, that's just what I need. Had a creepy dream. Woke up to Linkin Park and Adema's Giving In.
Take me under
(I'm killing all the pain)
I'm dying tonight
(i'm sick of all this pain)
Watch me crumble
You get the idea. Basically it's just weird stuff.
So, a toast to the world. Cause I'm taking it. My life I mean. Raise a glass and down a shot. You feel you can take the world but of course you can. May you make it your own. You know what you want and social constructs are the fences you have to jump over. Otherwise, it'll keep you imprisoned in your own little world, collecting frustrations and insecurities like a hobby. Destroy yourself to fit the world or take life and make your own.
There are some pretty questionable life questions that I want to ask right now. Like if Romney and Obama agrees to most of what the other says in implementing policies, in leaderships and such - what's the difference in voting between them then?
How unfair it is for Filipino candidates engaged in early campaigning are just exercising their "freedom of expression" while it's been approved in a bill that posting opinions on the internet against these persons may be grounds for "libel"?
How do people without fandom live their lives? Oh, wait, because they actually have one.
When will Supernatural end? I need my life back now please.
When monsters die they end up in Purgatory but where do they go when they are kiled in Purgatory?
Why haven't I put Xcode in my Dash again?
What's the use of being a Time Lord when there's such things as Time Locks?
I'm not self-studying on coding and graphic designing because of the job. I'm doing it because I love it. Because it's something I'm actually a bit good at.
So I ask, which is better - the person who are doing evil, bad things but doesn't stop because they think they are good and what they are doing is right or the person who knows that what they are doing is wrong, feels guilty about it, acknowledges the need to make up for it but still continues to do it?
Or maybe I should have asked which one is worse.
Now I realize - the depth of the influence of social media in one's life is directly related to his or her popularity. The more popular you are the less time you have to be in the social media sites but you are being talked about in on them. But people with less social life hence a handful number of close friends hence lesser popularity will be on these sites and most of the time talking about the popular people more than the time the popular people have to read all of them posts.
I'm just saying the key to successful and happy life is to take the opportunities given to you and treat events in your life as blessings or turn them into advantages.
*Am prone to making weird noises when
THIS IS TORTURE. there's so many people laughing and now i'm crying.
|This is Jared Padalecki. A digital drawing of Jared Padalecki.|
Uhm, I hope he looks like Jared Padalecki.
Things that had happened since...since life made it impossible(really) to blog:
[> Anti-Cyber Crime Law, 15 petitions against it and the eventual TRO
[> Supernatural Season 8. I am a fan.
[> My beautiful graphics tablet named, TARDIS.
[> Graduation of people who are Survivors of Life. Way to go! =)
[> Repainted my room. Supposed to be shades of brown, but idk, it seems like i'm colorblind.
[> new life purpose. -_~
Alright. So, this is it. Another post posted. Look at that drawing. There's gonna be more of that stuff. Life. These are the things that make me smile: sunshine, supernatural fanfictions, drawing, coding, reading books, annoying my siblings(you know i love you guys) and being a total geek.
What makes you smile?
Also this: "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. "
Thursday, August 2, 2012
I never really needed anybody. Never really thought I needed to ask for help. Never really thought that what I'm doing might not be enough.
I was so wrong.
1280 x 800. Used the image of Dean Winchester in Faith, Episode 12, Season 1.
"I'm not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot."
Quote from The Battle of Evermore by Led Zepplin.
Huntre's the name of my laptop.
Yep, I name the things I own. Not because they have personality but because they get angry when I call them Baby.
I'm feeling my way again in Photoshop. I'm relearning again. I wanna stay up all night but sleeplessness makes me act like a 5-year old kid with an ADHD on a sugar high.
The mosquitos they like me. They like me so much they're kissing my feet. (reality: me = mosquito dinner)
I have wanted to be a graphic designer/animator since when I was old enough to read that article on Animation on our big old encyclopedia. I really can't see myself happy and efficient in any other career or job other than relating to computers and graphic designing. But I maybe it's just me and my computer addiction.
My life feels like a dream. And like all dreams they end when you wake up. I feel like I'm waking up, to this realizations that has been seeking my attention for years. I'm facing up to them, to this, really. I have no excuses.
Graphika Manila, I'll see you next year. Bad timing.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Funny thing is Sherlock has his own website but people are reading Watson's blog. 1895 hits. People are interested in Sherlock's life and detective works not all of the 243 kinds of tobacco ash.
Mycroft: This is a matter of national importance, grow up!
Sherlock: Get out of my sheet!
Mycroft: Or what?
Sherlock: Or I'll just walk away.
Mycroft: I'll let you.
Their banter was fun and natural. Reminds me of Sam and Dean in the early seasons of Supernatural. Digressing. Ok, fun stuff now. Sherlock in his priest get-up. Sherlock and Watson fighting on the streets. John's outraged "I was a soldier. I killed people!" and Sherlocks "You're a doctor!" and finally "I had bad days!" Being relegated to the side Watson was almost funny. Also Hamish, is a very good baby name John, thanks. Don't make jokes Molly. I feel sorry for Molly, Sherlock's so naive sometimes at least she got a kiss and Sherlock apologized!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
I never have enough. But who does?
The world is telling me to wake up when I haven't had a wink. Oh alright maybe I had, a bit. I am still tired though. *sneer* Rantings! Again?? ok, someday this would contain stuff that is actually useful..ya know stuff like, free downloads of my own original work.
And what work would that be, you ask? That would be...wait for it... awesome!
Which would probably contain cats, the color pink and glitter. Lots of glitter. Lots and lots of them.
...hmm..I don't know, I feel like writing status updates in my own vernacular language, is it wrong?
Well, except if I'm replying to someone who doesn't know, Karay-a in FB and Twitter will go on!
#notfeelingstupid #sosleepy #itsraining #ilovebooks #imrambling #whatsthisforagain?
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Apparently due to many request the early bird promo for the tickets had been extended up until tomorrow Tuesday - July 17. The early bird price for students are Php 1,550.00 and for those who are not students or are professionals it is Php 1,750.00. The regular price is Php 1, 750 for students and Php 1,950 for those who are not.
Each purchase of the ticket includes an admission to the whole day conference, a conference kit and an e-certificate of attendance.
I believe this would be a very awesome event. Wish I could come.
For further inquiries please visit their website:
Graphika Manila 2012
Thank you for reading and a video from the Manila Design Week 2010 for you:
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
You know, I went after her, Dean. Maybe that's what's bugging you -- that I'm moving on with my life. I mean, you took care of me, and that's great. But I don't need you anymore.
When you live under the unforgiving society like an umbrella from the debris and the filth and the dirt, you exist. Safe. But when you have nothing to die for, you are not living - not really. It's when you wake up in the morning and you have something to look up to, something to do, something to anticipate whether it be anticipating joy or anticipating fear, at least it's something. Better than nothing that most people have.
However when you have one thing, one thing in your life since you were a child everything is focused. As if every breath you take has a sole reason, a purpose as if you are worth nothing without being that person who does - the job. It is an awfully terriffying yet rewarding life if you do have that. And Dean does, he really does and he's awesome at it - being a big brother. After 30 years of being a Winchester, 40 years down the pit, its breathing down your neck, your life is and whether you like it or not, you must stop.
TUMBLR: A place where people loves taking notes, where you receive death threats if you don't stay on it, where people are nice to you that you never knew that they were actually being mean (or vice versa)
I love tumblr
Gonna finish my papers and my research no matter what it takes.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Listening to Leona Lewis croon Run and when she says ' i'll be right beside you...' I hear Dean instead of dear.
Playing inside my head however is Adele's Someone like you, repeatedly playing inside my head.
The second verse hits me like a Supernatural Pilot theme song.
A beautiful lie by 30 seconds to mars is screaming at me.
everyone's a comedian but me.
Friday, February 10, 2012
In all this years, these last weeks at college are the sloowest.
Like a needle falling through zero-gravity to drop in a middle of a stack of hay. The most important things are the most difficult. Like graduating and stuff. Like giving up and perseverance. So wrong to believe in what your mind and not listen to what you do. The difference in what I was doing before and to what I am achieving know is that I listen and I believe and I do. There is no forgiveness for wasting your own time. It's your own. You do have to realize that reality is subjective but life is always objective. 'S like a background music, life is. You, yourself should provide the running commentary, the script, the voice singing loud an clear - your life should contain your reality and your decisions and your happiness. There is never a life wasted in doing what you wanted. It may hurt people, yes? But unless it involves immorality and illegality, everything we do must be done, now.
/when love was raw and young, believed that we can changed ourselves/
fallen by sarah mcclaughlin
Nothing more to write right now. Many things to do by today and tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
When I woke up, i thought i was dreaming
I told you, SLEEP and ME? We have a love-hate, on-off and really rocky relationship.
My playlist is screaming Metallica one second and then crooning some Hush Sound the next. Headphones in each ear, it's really escape. Escape from distractions - as i would likely tell anyone who'd ask...or Escape from reality - this is what emo people do, and emo i am not. Well, not anymore, i guess. Let's see, Locked Up from Ingrid Michaelson is my favorite song right the f now.
But for Dean, it's THAT's OKAY by The Hush Sound. Okay, here's how it goes...
You were a child who was made of glass.
You carried a black heart passed down from your dad.
You want to go back to where you felt safe,
To hear your brother's laughter,
See your mother's face.
Your childhood home is just powder-white bones
And you'll never find your way back.
--spn again, lol, just can't resist
I think the PolSci people can be the major reason of deforestation and global warming...what with all the printing of papers and the hotheatedness of the people in the world nowadays.
This is a 'wild world' as cat stevens says and 'it's hard to get by just upon a smile'. So couple that smile with hard work. Just like how Sam and Dean does it. No matter what shit life throws at them, they get up, stand, fight and move along. They don't just miraculously solve hunts and cases just by being them - they research, they interview witness, they do recon, they had a lifetime of training put to good use and their lives are difficult, but they survive. Broken but alive nonetheless.
I won't let my 'normal' life be a waste now that i know people sacrificed to work hard for this life. No, 'm not talking about Sam n Dean. 'M talking about those everyday-- you know, the jeepney driver, trisikad driver, waitress, teacher, paper-pusher in some office, moms and dads...you know the people you rely on without which you'd have a life you'd never want.
I know, how lucky i am. I would like to express my appreciation.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
At least, back home, the slipper-napping dogs can be pretty much told to approximate a domesticated conduct.
I had no sleep, 4 cups of coffee, an unlimited internet surfing for one day and would have to pass the result of this sleepless night at 8 o'clock then an exam at 2'3o afternoon.
It's nothing really, it's just...do i really have to?
I really do don't i.
Good one, tumblr. No thanks to you, I've only barely made it.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Let me apologize for what i'm about to say...
Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only things that's worse than one is none
There's too much and too little.
I'm supposed to type sentimental crap about life and all that. Everything's changed. But everything's the same. It really is.
What I'm really amused at is how my lil brother won't believe that i'm on my fourth year and should (probably) graduate soon. My life is so full of supernatural it's not even funny anymore
Dean: Oh come on, it's a little bit funny.
Ok, take stock. My music ranges from classic, classic rock, rock metal, psychedelic rock, and weird piano songies. I'm itching to cut my hair but not until the "Prom". Finishing my papers, i have this feeling of "they are lovely dear, thank you" with all this papers our teachers dumped at us before the vacation. Surprise, surprise...i'm not finished with 'em yet. Memento mori.
The sun is screaming against antipathy...my? yours? OURS?
The moon whispers that he knows, he knows, he knows and it whispers the lie that everyone knows to ...everything's gonna be alright.
All these amazing stories i'm reading, all this fanfictions...they're all more or less AWESOME.
Life is beautiful and we need to have fun. Do everything we can to live our life right now because later may not come or tomorrow might be a never.
At peace and loving life, we need to embrace ourselves and dream for ourselves.
Who would catch our dreams if we don't chase for it ourselves?
Monday, September 5, 2011
I dont' want to know anything.
I'm getting too emo by myself here. I need pandemonium.
The seven levels of hell are there to provide entertainment equal to the boredom felt by effing demons. There are piano keys that are sharp and flat to distinguish the tone of one's mood - to sleep dying or to die asleep. I watch everything fall and I even help it some. I like it but I don't want it. I must be crazy now. Three years and finally.
I know I can do it. It's what bugging me. I know I can do it and I don't need to do it because I-know I can. Ends up not doing anything.
I know what this is. a rant. and i don't want this to be. sorry peeps.
Be not afraid. I'm gonna continue this and look how far I can get.
Ogd, I hate myself.
Sometimes, I hate other people, but most of the times, I just hate the time and how it cant be paused or stopped. I want to be alive but I can't go on living like this. I know what I want but I don't know what I need. And it's driving me crazy. I need to go out and be with people, but I'm gonna die, because I don't feel like it. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to. I just want to do what I wanted. I'm selfish.
I realize that I suck at thinking. My brains all fried up and whenever I tell myself to do something, I can't I don't. And I'm losing my shit, so to speak.
Oh, unforgiven...I want you to meet Cold by Crossfade.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Everybody sure is a comedian.
Tailspinning. Never really knew the word until now. It's the columns of unread books and half-filled notes in a corner of your room. It's the random stuff pushed to the side on your cabinet-slash-table where you are typing this post. It's the echoes in your head of 'duty: in the morning' and 'duty: in the afternoon' hoping you never sleep so you can't be late. It's the paradox of feeling hungry and yet feeling nauseous at the same time. It's the promises, it's the responsibilities, it's the work that isn't really work that's getting me. It pulls me down, feels like I just discovered gravity.
On this OJT, god, in this ojt, I learned amazing things I wouldn't dream about. I learned how people are good, i learned how people are caring, i learned how people are. People are just people. And I also learned how to, as they say, roll with the punches. Because, really, you can't go on with life without suppressing your weakness and fighting against it. Because life. Life is not about you. It's not about how you avoid the pain you know will come. It's not about how you seek for the happiness you think will have. It's about living and fighting and being you AGAINST-and or-WITH people (-you love/-you hate/you don't care about) on a world that keeps trying to kill you.
I have a strange suspicion that the World is trying to kill us all. And we can't let it get to us.
Moving on, what I meant to say was - to maintain a balance between - this is important, ok - a midpoint between CARING and NOT CARING. Because caring too much for something will end in disappointment and frustration while totally not caring gets you this hollow feeling and a sense of worthlessness. I'm speaking from experience here kids.
This tailspinning thing is gonna get worse. I'm having aches in places I didn't even had an itch before. Aaand, before I got to a nonstop whining mode I just want to say that maybe, I'm just feeling this because It's the first time since ever that I had to work so hard. Yep. Probably. I figured that maybe I had some ridiculously good karma on one of my past life and no matter what I do here, something keeps fixing my life back. I hope I can help more actively and properly in maintaining the life that I am living or better yet the life that I should be living.
Epiphany on a jeepney is like getting high.
My music ranges from Metallica to Kelly Clarkson to Chopin. Seriously, it's Supernatural's fault. - - - - and here I thought i would have a no-Supernatural post. tsk.tsk.tsk. Glee? what's that? no. I'm not getting addicted to Glee. Nope. nah. Nuh-uh.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore,
is not an act but a habit.
For eighteen years of your life you never wanted more than this. Yet when you look back and think ahead you wished you wished for everything and anything. Not this, not the cast iron on your shoulder, the shackles on your feet, the blindfolds in your eyes, the nails in your head and certainly not this hole in your chest.
Monday, May 9, 2011
You’re so hypnotizing
Could you be the devil
Could you be an angel
Your touch magnetizing
Feels like I am floating
Leaves my body glowing
They say be afraid
You’re not like the others
They don’t understand you
Your from a whole other world
A different dimension
You open my eyes
And I’m ready to go
Lead me into the light
Katy Perry – E.T. Lyrics
When I got lyrics of a Katy Perry song on repeat on my head - that's when I know that the APOCALYPSE is coming.
A world of perfect bliss....i don't ever want to go away from here. never. never. never. never. never. and never into infinity.
I would like to say that my obsession with SUPERNATURAL is reaching alarming levels. Like a double edged sword, there are times that it inspires me to continue living but there are times it constricts and hinders my life. There has never been such a great dilemma in my life - to love or not to love...spn...that is the *real* question.
You know what? I miss my anime songs, i miss the times where i have the time where i can write and draw and oh god -drawing. Feel like I've been living in a half-life state and the is-this-real sense.
Friday, April 29, 2011
I see the world as it is in the homeless person's dark gloomy feet, of journeys untold and life so unfair and unjust. I see the world as it should be in the night when a blackout shines brighter than any sun and the all the stars that hid appear as if from a dream. I see the world as it will be in my safety of my thoughts, in my words that could either create or decimate and in the do or do not.
I know I've got so far to go
And any day now I'll explode
-Like the Angel by Rise Against
I really have got to stop talking to myself. Soliloquy isn't as fun as I make it to be. Life's catching up. Hmn, what if I'll be the one to try and run towards it. Like negating a force of impact by providing the same amount of force. Writing feels like a workout you know venting stress and frustrations to turn into words - brilliance. You can actually make money doing this. But I write and money doesn't just attach itself beside your exclamation point and commas. I've got a life. This just keeps getting cliche-r every day. I've got friends that I have always wondered as to how they can endure my random brief moments of insanity. We are all mad here.
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
What are you afraid of?
I'm afraid of dying regrets.
That is why I try, and try, and try so hard to be more active and productive and just to be more me. To reach my own expectation of myself or something. Just not, I wouldn't want a repeat of these past few years of giving a pretty good walking dead expression. Still, I can be freaking arrested, file a lawsuit and yeah, being of age and a year also has perks. Though I only am typing this, I am pretty good on my words, now anyways, so I shall fear no evil, though i will be scared because scared means careful and I need all the care I can get - I shall also follow D.W. advise "EMPATHY, Sam, EMPATHY!!" - I shall not procrastinate and shall do immediately anything that I need to do.
Even though what I really want is to read HTML and make programs I should instead read NEWS and make criticism and the like.
This is what I signed up for. I keep PSALM 23 close to my heart.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Soporific - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster ... - [ Isalin ang pahinang ito ]
a : causing or tending to cause sleep
b : tending to dull awareness or alertness. 2. : of, relating to, or marked by sleepiness...
I'ma listen to this band that a friend of mine from high school recommended. in noomine. gonna be real cool listening to latin music? as in real latin?
I really am weirded out - or at least disconcerted that i've left, what a couple 100 words not even then, at my last post. It was not one of the best of my days-night whatev. The "weird" thing that I have discovered is how often I use the word "weird" to describe a person/place/thing just because. It's weird.
I must have gone crazy but life is on a fast track to a spiraling path to something dark and funny and a bit fearful. Yeah, I fear. For my life, sanity and soul. I am not an atheist. I try but I am not. In fact, i want to own and read the *great* BIBLE. Would you like to give me one?
I want to say how difficult it is to travel and the internship is mind-blowing, I'm afraid of my term at SSPG, my mind is filled with worst-case scenario happening to me as bm at cas, and i feel like i've pretty much wasted half of my life on earth. I want to be productive. I do not want to just be couch potato or an internet addict, reading fanfiction all night and day without ever learning social graces and having a real life. I wanna effing sleep. Im tired but I haven't done anything worthwhile this is frustrating. I wanna write. read. read some more. draw. watch info thingies and everything.
I have to care and be observant or I'm gonna die. I don't want regrets, I need to change and change we do. Because we are humans capable of higher understanding. That's why we invented computers.
I lovelovelove internet. I worship programming languages. I still alive in this earth because of torrents and downloadables.
You ever have a moment when you got this thing all planned out in your head to the last detail with planA and planB but when you're gonna start it all something happens and screws it all up? Like now when I feel so sleepy, I think I'm melting and oh god is this even 'the real life? or is it just fantasy? caught in a landslide no excape from reality, open your eyes look up at the skies and see...' I'm hungry and it's 1am in the morning. effing. i don't wanna be. something i don't need to be.
work hard. easy reading is hard writing. monetize your hobby. practice your pleasure. get our of your comfort zone to succeed in life. it's true just do it, yoda.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
"i've been better" is what i'd like to say but it's 5:46 and I have an internship at 8:00 and i'm writing in my blog whilst listening to metallica.
Round and round and circles is our internship at capitol.
People who loves stat sometimes doesn't get high grades and vice versa
People don't pass not because they are unintelligent but because they are lazy.
MAY 29 is my report on Fallacies and Sophisms.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true
-The Unforgiven II, METALLICA
I was never one of those people who see themselves first. It's not that I'm self-less, it's just that I don't - I didn't care. I didn't care what I want. I didn't care what you want. What I need or what you need. It's just that it never got to my head to care before. I was a pampered SOB. That was then. And I lived life now, no matter how much I resent - I don't regret...much. House chores are house chores, they aren't much responsibility and may as well be taken care of by a 10 year old. In fact, some do. And I am way past 10 years old. Responsibilities are bothersome but they are the lifeblood that pumps purpose in the otherwise useless existence of human beings. Responsibilities are a bitch sometimes, but they are needed so as to survive this ---- world. Put your own adjective to describe it, I wouldn't want to destroy your idealism (or whatever is left of it). I'm just saying that I was avoiding responsibilities like the plague before. Now I realize I'm wrong and I'm sorry and I have to make it right. By accepting responsibilities - yeah, even by seeking responsibilities - I can practice what I know of leadership and life in general, also one of the best way to determine your capability and/or extent of skills and potential. Because of this, I am afraid, hell, I will be lying if i say I am not. However, really this responsibilities heaping on my shoulders are a bit abrupt and I am afraid I may not reach expectations but I am trying and doing and trying and doing again. I am stretching my atrophied muscles and "going out of my comfort zone" so as to speak. I do not want regrets. If inevitably I do have regrets, may it be regret from doing something and not being enough ~ instead of a regret from not doing something. Terrible, terrible frustration and regret it is to feel, the regret of doing nothing. A regret that have followed my footsteps and shadowed for years and that which I am determined to stop. now.
**Never I ask you
But never I gave
But you gave me your emptiness
I now take to my grave
Never I ask of you
But never I gave
But you gave me your emptiness
I now take to my grave
So let this heart be still
Last last day. It rain at sunset and the scene outside was washed out sepia. It was awesome. I love everyday and everything. I want everyone to be happy and to love everything. I try to keep a positive outlook while preparing for the worst case scenario and I accept whatever happens with pragmatism and an occasional stubborn determination. My friends keep me alive. My family keeps me sane. My God keeps me existing. My Dean keeps me human, to strive for the 210% even though I can hardly muster a 20%, to care for others while maintaining a sense of self-preservation (and some), to live life as it is and love life as it will be, to live at the present and to give up never, to push on and persevere through anything(demons & apocalypse be damned) for everything that is important(family&loved ones), and to never, ever, leave. It's just so, DEAN is so entirely complex for a simple man. I can never hope to be anything like him. I can only be me and hope that I can be someone Dean or at least (in reality) I-myself- can be proud of too.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Est queadam fiere voluptas
There is a certain pleasure in weeping. (Ovid)
You know you are back home when you wake up at the floor to see a chicken walking by and the incessant sound of the telephone providing a background music. You realize life is not and does not consist of the four corners of your dorm room, your class room or of a computer's monitor. There's a whole world out there. We have to find it the right one for us rather than wait for the wrong ones to find us.
Then when you've followed the not quite yellow brick rode. Stand back and see for yourself. Is this what you really want? Is this where you want to be? Are the people you know know you or do you really know them at all? Are you living?
It's not - our psych class tells us it's called "catharsis" - Catharsis as crying is not inclusive to a gender. Really. We roll all day long with or without a smile on our face and is that fake or not? Cause putting a fake smile or smiling sad is as tiring as crying your eyes out.
I'm just saying...Man, it's healthy.
Damnant quod non intellegunt
They condemn what they do not understand
I don't understand --- Cockroaches. I condemn them.
I condemn them to hell. I hate, loathe, - I just - yuck cockroaches.
Know Thy Enemy
Cockroaches belong to Kingdom Animalia, Phylum Arthropoda, Class Insecta and Order Blattaria. Some species invade human dwellings and are considered pests. These cockroaches can be carriers of various diseases because they are commonly found near waste deposits or in the kitchen, where food is present. Restaurants may also experience cockroach infestations.
Cockroaches can measure over one inch in length, with tropical species tending to be larger than those found in other climates. Cockroaches have six legs, two antennae and wings. However, a number of winged cockroaches are not particularly adept at flying.
Cockroaches emit unpleasant odors and may also produce sound. The Madagascar hissing cockroach is the most famous of these vocal cockroaches, although more common species may produce quieter clicking or chirping noises.
Contrary to popular belief, cockroaches are not afraid of light. Although most species do prefer darkness, some are actually attracted to light and can be found gathering near windows or on television screens at night. Most of these nocturnal insects will scatter when a light is shone upon them. However, this reaction is much more influenced by their fear of humans than their distaste for light.
Gruesome urban legends concerning the development of immature cockroaches within human wounds or fast foods are unfounded, as is the belief that cockroaches aggressively consume human fingernails and toenails. Cockroaches develop their populations in moist, warm areas inside and out but do not use human bodies as hosts. They may bite in the event of severe infestation and lack of other food sources, but this is also rare. Cockroaches prefer to feed on decaying organic matter and inanimate, starchy foods such as glue and wallpaper
Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit
Perhaps someday we will look back upon these things with joy
&*@$! Contemplating about future makes me crazy. It's like this whole vast ocean stretched before my eyes and I should have learned to swim and except I didn't and I have to and I just know I'll drown and I don't have any choice. Sigh. Life is difficult. I understand that. I want to shape my own life the way it should have - if I haven't been as absent minded as I should have these past few years. And it feels like the heavens is crashing and falling upon me. But I like the feeling of having a goal - no matter how impossible, no matter how ridiculous, no matter how trivial - it's the acts that matter not the thoughts. I mean, the consequences of my actions can be reaped only if there were actual actions that happened before hand. Funny. It's the procrastinator in me, it didn't really die but i'm killing it. As sure as I can be, no matter how slow.
I wonder if everything would be the same again.
I know everything would never be the same again.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Cool Myspace Generators
"Or Lose Your Sanity."
Books are food of the brain. Then I guess my brain is a bit undernourished. I figured I probably should write about my commentaries and critiques about Ben Ali, Mubarak, or Gadhafi but as I am not nearly as knowledgeable about them and their issues as I am with --- my fandoms, better I read about other people's commentaries and critiques. Classes are bright and enlightening nowadays especially when I and my beloved classmates participate actively. My self-worth is being rediscovered. Really got touched when I read the book about law professors and how they endure low income with their high intellect just for the sake of teaching students. And how they are proud when their students exceed their expectations or take achievements.
I'm not gonna ramble on now, cause I have 'real life' calling me. I'm not hating real life. I'm not. I love it.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
As per usual, I am wasting my time reading fanfiction and not studying. But I'll get right on that. Because, believe it or not, I am paying attention in classes right now.
Oh, why shouldn't people be nice and good without secretly being evil - for a change? There's nothing as frustrating as wanting to do something but facing hindrance by something out of your own power. Like, when you know you can do something but you can't because it's not your decision to make whether that something should be assigned to you. And...you end up with a craptastic job that you don't know, don't like and that you hate. It's just like making a mistake - and enrolling in a different college course than the one you'd like and suffering through four years of torture. Studying; things you'd rather puke at than read. Not having time for your own interest; because you have to 'study'. Makes me wonder whether the public/private educational system is a boon or a bane.
You're right Ariane, "Education could ruin our common sense." Charm, stop being so pessimistic about yourself and just DO it and stop overthinking about things. Ivy, I understand how it is...reading true-to-life story should be good or Jan Kooiman's book will do.
There are crazies out there in the world. We can't let ourselves be distracted from life itself. Even if we know how FUBAR it is. Breathing and Living it we have the choice to be...to exist and define that existence. Or would you rather drown yourself in depression in thinking about needless, unproductive thoughts?
I think, sometimes, that the Apocalypse is coming. Or starting, whatever. Just read the Revelations or the newspapers - it's the same trite predictions of the symbolic four horsemen's advent. Ooh...better yet, you can watch Supernatural. That'll be taking it over the top.
My mind is focused if I am interested in what I am doing and am willing to waste time in doing it and that I can persuade myself that I am not wasting my time in taking time to do it. Also, I'd be proud of myself if I can make a blog post without a reference to Supernatural. I would really. Except, it won't be interesting to read ramblings of a half-sane creature about things like Post-Modernism, Consumerism, US Intervention, Philippine Military's Modernization, Bussiness and Technology, and the uprisings in the Arab States this 2011.
My sister's a weirdo. 'Bakit ka palagi kang ganyan?' Madali uminit ang ulo.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
God bless us everyone
We're a broken people living under loaded gun
And it can't be outfoght
It can't be outdone
It can't out matched
It can't be outrun
And here I thought we were through.
When I close my eyes, ask me what I see. I see everything there is to see, only there's something black covering it. Well, anyways, again...here I am.
I'm listening to Slipknot's Vermillion pt.2 Here, listen to it to...
Yeah, I heard this from my playlist long, long ago, when I was just a highschooler and i was kinda...you know, a teenager. Or something. Yeah, I was weird then and I'd like to thing I'm weirder now. I talk a lot to myself now, I sing a lot more songs now, I read (not a lot) but boring sleep-inducing polsci handouts now and it's a great miracle that I haven't committed suicide yet. I think now that Im *cough* eighteen *cough* I should be more mature, right? right? riiight.
But making an analytical meta of Vermillion pt. 2 in relation to Supernatural's Winchester is being mature right? right? riiight.
VERMILLION (part 2)_ SLIPKNOT
She seemed dressed in all of me,
stretched across my shame.
This is for John Winchester, the father - the husband, who lost his wife in that dreadful hell fire. I would like to think that this refers to John's dreams of Mary, the Mary in his mind being as beautiful as that fateful night, remembering almost all the minutae details about it, to Mary's clohes and her hair and the fire. But it's the rebuke that echoes in John's sense. Maybe Mary talks to him or maybe she just looks at him, either way the life that the Winchester Family lives now - as hunters - are really a cause for Mary's sadness. Mary wouldn't want this for her sons, for her husband, for her family.
All the torments and the pain,
leak through and covered me.
During, before and we all know there is no after in John's life as a hunter and as a father and as an avenging widow. It speaks for himself, his scars and his sons, of the pain he feels and everything that has happened.
I'd do anything to have her to myself,
just to have her for myself.
'Killing that demon comes before everything.' John once told Sam. But he was wrong, he should know, because family comes before everything. This was what he knows when there was Mary, this was what he taught Dean when there wasn't a Mary anymore, and this was what Dean told Sam - not through words maybe but through actions that defy any explanations but the reason that 'family comes before everything'. John became so obsessed at getting revenge for Mary that he lost sight of the most important thing: his family.
Now I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad.
Before the red haze of revenge clouding John's eyes, all he does and all he ever thinks is hunt, The Hunt. And that isn't right. But it's lost to him now.
She is everything to me, the unrequited dream,
the song that no one sings, the unattainable.
This one's for Dean, for the Mary that Dean remembers and loves. The mother that Sam never had and the wife that John is wallowing in, Dean's Mary is something that holds him to the ground and gives him strength. To be strong for himself, to be strong for his family and to be strong for everyone.
'I think about it everyday.' Dean Winchester, S1, Ep3
She's a myth that I have to believe in,
all I need to make it real is one more reason.
This one's for Sam, because he never had Mary, never felt a mother's love, and hugs and kiss and tasted a sandwich made by his mother. So in justifying the life they are living, why Dad is so obsessed in hunting, why Dean just follows everything Dad says, why Sam has to endure everything...Sam needs Mary as a reason too, but it's hard because Sam never knew her, never seen her, never had her. So he left and searched for his own Mary.
I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad.
The Winchesters don't know what to do.
But I won't let this build up inside of me,
They can't let this sadness die.
I won't let this build up inside of me,
John won't let his sadness swallow him, so he hunts.
I won't let this build up inside of me,
Dean won't let his father be bury himself literally by this hunt, so he stays for his family.
I won't let this build up inside of me.
Sam can't let himself be lost in this family that lives for a memory, so he leaves for a Mary.
A catch in my throat,
Remember when Dean was 4 and he didn't speak for a year?
Remember when Sam got his letter from Stanford?
Torn into pieces,
Remember the day when John stopped answering his phone and left Sam and Dean with coordinates and never an answer?
I don't want to be this,
They didn't want to be. But they were. And now, nothing can stop them, no demons, no angels, no death, no god, and not even themselves.
But I won't let this build up inside of me,
I won't let this build up inside of me,
I won't let this build up inside of me,
I won't let this build up inside of me.
Pause. Play. Repeat. Rewind. Fast Forward.
No matter what song they sing, it's still the same, right Dean van Halen? Change the present, Change the future, but you can't really change the past.
She isn't real,
I can't make her real.
She isn't real,
I can't make her real.
They can't make her alive, even when they killed the Demon - Mary's murder...it's revenge right? But is it worth it? Is it worth it? Are their FUBAR lives worth the freakin bullet to the head of that freakin yellow-eyed-demon? Mary, maybe she can answer that.
Yeah, Im a bit obsessed too. But it's a good obsession. kinda
Monday, November 29, 2010
I keep saying to myself that being addicted is having a negative impact in my already wretched life. But, hey, I'm an optimist. I see the bad parts and understand them while observing the good parts and accepting them, imitate them if possible. I watch so much anime and my general realization is 'being dead sucks'. Also those we who are still alive and breathing should do everything in our power to live our life to the fullest and not regret a single action or inaction in our life. Life I think is an addiction.
And nowadays my addiction is Jensen Ackles. His characters. His movies. His Tv Series. His quotes and all. I have learned and relearned various things just watching and addicting to the SUPERNATURAL series of his. Now, I won't make this post another 10 things, well maybe next time. But the point is that not all of this (this being surfing the net for thousands of fanfics, pics and vids - pulling all nighters - missing meals - forgetting to pass papers - in priority of things related to J.A.) not all of this is wasteful energy and pointless mental exercise.
So, Jensen Ackles memorable roles:
Alex Mcdowell / X5 494
also as Ben / X5 493 in Dark Angel
Jason Teague in Smallville
Dean Winchester in Supernatural
Tom Welling in My Bloody Valentine
Priestly in Ten-inch Hero
There really is no stopping me now. I made this pic on Picasa 3. Edited it to look like picture collage. Yey, lookie!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
I abso-friggin-lutly hate those effin cockroaches.
To their death and subsequent extinction, I post this list of
FIVE POINT LIST ON
HOW TO KILL A COCKROACH
1. Capture it alive and put it in an empty plastic water bottle. Put a small hole and proceed to fill the bottle with every toxic substances you can get your hands on - granted that it wouldn't kill you too. I suggest, substances that are slow reactants - those that kill slowly but painfully. Experiment and get creative. Place the bottle somewhere you can see and if bored shake it and feel all your troubles go away.
2. Pin it at the wall or floor with pins. Use it as a dart target and acupuncture it until it doesn't move.
3. Use a hammer. Or a shotgun. Even a home made bomb if you will.
4. Capture it alive and send it to North Korea.
5. Tie it to a chair and make it listen as you read your Debate and Argumentation book. It'll die of blood loss due to nose bleeding or internal haemorrhage sooner or later.
This'll be the end of PART I.
To Be Continued...
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
I was about to bash my skull into the keyboards, now, you know why? Of course you don't..it's cause I'm freakin addicted to SUPERNATURAL.
It's not that bad, really, i just have almost 500 (and counting) fanfictions and hundreds of icons and pictures, screen caps, epsisode promos, behind the scenes, even videos of interviews, gag reels and bloopers. Now, if only I can rise from my self-imposed perdition and actually write my papers, all would be well.
Sadly, I announce to the whole anonymous audience of the Internet that most of my grades this 1st sem has turned to letters. Yeah. Horrible, I know. But I won't let it stay that way for too long. I don't get to watch Sam n Dean reading and researching and all that stuff without learning anything can't I?
To give proper (depending on whose point of view) justification of the hours I spent upon anything Supernatural-ly; I now present this 10 point list of ...
(drum roll pls)
WHAT I LEARNED FROM SUPERNATURAL
1. You don't give your nine year old son a 45 because when said nine year old grow up it will run away to study Law at Stanford.
2. I learned how much I hate hospitals.
3. I learned how much I am taking my life for granted.
4. I learned how much I love cars, guns, and research.
5. You shouldn't go around getting pinned to the ceiling and burning in front of your family.
6. You shouldn't go around saving people and hunting things while leaving your sons to fend for themselves at a young age.
7. I learned how to spot a concussion and that stitches hurt.
8. I learned how to love Latin (again).
9. I learned how to stop trying to die and to just live how I believe.
10. You shouldn't give your (possessed) only little brother a gun, loaded or not, because no matter what you have done for him, he will shoot... more than once.
uhm..explanations, are they really necessary?
So, whether or not, I'll try.
1. This one is about Sam and how a young child wishing a normal life is pushed into the destined life of the paranormal. Yet he doesn't let destiny shape his own life, heck, he doesn't even let his brother or father dictate him, he abandoned the 'family business' and lived his own life. For at least four years.
2. The number of times I read either of the brothers
3. Seriously? The amount of catharsis in Dean, Sam and John (even Mary's) is so tragic it made me appreciate my 'apple pie life more'. First off, Mary was raised as a hunter, didn't enjoy much of a normal life until she was married to normal John. But she was killed by a demon when her oldest son was 4 and her youngest just 6 months old. John, a former Marine, had to live a life obsessed with killing the demon who murdered his wife and in the process alienated his sons to what should have been called a proper childhood. Sam never experienced his mother's love, his father's more interested in hunting and protecting him from evil to actually be there and be a father for him and his older brother is so wrapped up in hero worshipping their father that it's Sam who has to go and find a decent life for himself, which takes him away from the family business but not away from his family.
4. One word: Impala. The '67 Chevy Impala is awesome and I wish I could drive or at least know what parts a cars has cause sometimes I feel like Dean is like, married to the car or something, calling it 'baby' and talking to it...makes me jealous. LOL.
Two Words: Sawed-off Shotgun. Hey, it's tecnically two words right? So, I got this hands-on firing drill on my first year ROTC and that was the day I fell in love with guns. Almost didn't put the gun down, even if I didn't even hit a circle in my target. Lol.
...n Words: Busty Asian Beauties dot com is not a research site, DEAN!
5. Because it's not really Mary's fault that she died, but *** if it wasn't the reason her family's in this crap right now. John and Dean and Sam went to hell and out, in that order.
6. Because I know John is a good father but it's a rare sometimes that it isn't enogh to compensate what went wrong to Sam n Dean's life (and deaths).
7. Concussion is present when patient is getting cross-eyed, snarky and hallucinating graboids under the mattresses. Having to stitch 17 stitches unto your own person, tell me, how does that not hurt?
8. Sometimes omnia vincit veritas doesn't cut it. And I would really like to memorize the Pater Noster and attend a fully Latin Mass and you do know I'm gonna teach myself Latin no matter how hard it is. I'm content to just qoute the demon exorcising latin spell work from supernatural now though.
9. Because Dean got to die a hundred and plus ways and he didn't stay dead. Sam also but the point is that when you exist, you should try your darnest to fight, live and love for your existence not resign to the fact that we shall all die. Dying is an obligation but Living is a Privilege. Live.
10. Nah, just a continuation of how wrong and unfair life is. But even then, you have to know that, you cannot RISE if you have not FALLEN. You cannot correct yourself when you have not made a mistake. And you cannot die when you have not been living.
Living is different from existing.
Somehow, sometimes, I wish that I can stop and pause and rewind my life...don't you?