Let me apologize to begin with Let me apologize for what i'm about to say...
Between my pride and my promise Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way The things I want to say to you get lost before they come The only things that's worse than one is none
There's too much and too little.
I'm supposed to type sentimental crap about life and all that. Everything's changed. But everything's the same. It really is.
What I'm really amused at is how my lil brother won't believe that i'm on my fourth year and should (probably) graduate soon. My life is so full of supernatural it's not even funny anymore
Dean: Oh come on, it's a little bit funny.
Ok, take stock. My music ranges from classic, classic rock, rock metal, psychedelic rock, and weird piano songies. I'm itching to cut my hair but not until the "Prom". Finishing my papers, i have this feeling of "they are lovely dear, thank you" with all this papers our teachers dumped at us before the vacation. Surprise, surprise...i'm not finished with 'em yet. Memento mori.
The sun is screaming against antipathy...my? yours? OURS?
The moon whispers that he knows, he knows, he knows and it whispers the lie that everyone knows to ...everything's gonna be alright.
All these amazing stories i'm reading, all this fanfictions...they're all more or less AWESOME.
Life is beautiful and we need to have fun. Do everything we can to live our life right now because later may not come or tomorrow might be a never.
At peace and loving life, we need to embrace ourselves and dream for ourselves.
Who would catch our dreams if we don't chase for it ourselves?
I'm getting too emo by myself here. I need pandemonium.
The seven levels of hell are there to provide entertainment equal to the boredom felt by effing demons. There are piano keys that are sharp and flat to distinguish the tone of one's mood - to sleep dying or to die asleep. I watch everything fall and I even help it some. I like it but I don't want it. I must be crazy now. Three years and finally.
I know I can do it. It's what bugging me. I know I can do it and I don't need to do it because I-know I can. Ends up not doing anything.
*effing edit*
I know what this is. a rant. and i don't want this to be. sorry peeps.
Be not afraid. I'm gonna continue this and look how far I can get.
Ogd, I hate myself.
Sometimes, I hate other people, but most of the times, I just hate the time and how it cant be paused or stopped. I want to be alive but I can't go on living like this. I know what I want but I don't know what I need. And it's driving me crazy. I need to go out and be with people, but I'm gonna die, because I don't feel like it. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to. I just want to do what I wanted. I'm selfish.
I realize that I suck at thinking. My brains all fried up and whenever I tell myself to do something, I can't I don't. And I'm losing my shit, so to speak.
Oh, unforgiven...I want you to meet Cold by Crossfade.
Tailspinning. Never really knew the word until now. It's the columns of unread books and half-filled notes in a corner of your room. It's the random stuff pushed to the side on your cabinet-slash-table where you are typing this post. It's the echoes in your head of 'duty: in the morning' and 'duty: in the afternoon' hoping you never sleep so you can't be late. It's the paradox of feeling hungry and yet feeling nauseous at the same time. It's the promises, it's the responsibilities, it's the work that isn't really work that's getting me. It pulls me down, feels like I just discovered gravity.
On this OJT, god, in this ojt, I learned amazing things I wouldn't dream about. I learned how people are good, i learned how people are caring, i learned how people are. People are just people. And I also learned how to, as they say, roll with the punches. Because, really, you can't go on with life without suppressing your weakness and fighting against it. Because life. Life is not about you. It's not about how you avoid the pain you know will come. It's not about how you seek for the happiness you think will have. It's about living and fighting and being you AGAINST-and or-WITH people (-you love/-you hate/you don't care about) on a world that keeps trying to kill you.
I have a strange suspicion that the World is trying to kill us all. And we can't let it get to us.
Moving on, what I meant to say was - to maintain a balance between - this is important, ok - a midpoint between CARING and NOT CARING. Because caring too much for something will end in disappointment and frustration while totally not caring gets you this hollow feeling and a sense of worthlessness. I'm speaking from experience here kids.
This tailspinning thing is gonna get worse. I'm having aches in places I didn't even had an itch before. Aaand, before I got to a nonstop whining mode I just want to say that maybe, I'm just feeling this because It's the first time since ever that I had to work so hard. Yep. Probably. I figured that maybe I had some ridiculously good karma on one of my past life and no matter what I do here, something keeps fixing my life back. I hope I can help more actively and properly in maintaining the life that I am living or better yet the life that I should be living.
Epiphany on a jeepney is like getting high.
My music ranges from Metallica to Kelly Clarkson to Chopin. Seriously, it's Supernatural's fault. - - - - and here I thought i would have a no-Supernatural post. tsk.tsk.tsk. Glee? what's that? no. I'm not getting addicted to Glee. Nope. nah. Nuh-uh.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle
For eighteen years of your life you never wanted more than this. Yet when you look back and think ahead you wished you wished for everything and anything. Not this, not the cast iron on your shoulder, the shackles on your feet, the blindfolds in your eyes, the nails in your head and certainly not this hole in your chest.
You’re so hypnotizing Could you be the devil Could you be an angel
Your touch magnetizing Feels like I am floating Leaves my body glowing
They say be afraid You’re not like the others Futuristic lover Different DNA They don’t understand you
Your from a whole other world A different dimension You open my eyes And I’m ready to go Lead me into the light
Katy Perry – E.T. Lyrics
When I got lyrics of a Katy Perry song on repeat on my head - that's when I know that the APOCALYPSE is coming.
A world of perfect bliss....i don't ever want to go away from here. never. never. never. never. never. and never into infinity.
I would like to say that my obsession with SUPERNATURAL is reaching alarming levels. Like a double edged sword, there are times that it inspires me to continue living but there are times it constricts and hinders my life. There has never been such a great dilemma in my life - to love or not to love...spn...that is the *real* question.
You know what? I miss my anime songs, i miss the times where i have the time where i can write and draw and oh god -drawing. Feel like I've been living in a half-life state and the is-this-real sense.
I see the world as it is in the homeless person's dark gloomy feet, of journeys untold and life so unfair and unjust. I see the world as it should be in the night when a blackout shines brighter than any sun and the all the stars that hid appear as if from a dream. I see the world as it will be in my safety of my thoughts, in my words that could either create or decimate and in the do or do not.
Even though I've come so far, I know I've got so far to go And any day now I'll explode -Like the Angel by Rise Against
I really have got to stop talking to myself. Soliloquy isn't as fun as I make it to be. Life's catching up. Hmn, what if I'll be the one to try and run towards it. Like negating a force of impact by providing the same amount of force. Writing feels like a workout you know venting stress and frustrations to turn into words - brilliance. You can actually make money doing this. But I write and money doesn't just attach itself beside your exclamation point and commas. I've got a life. This just keeps getting cliche-r every day. I've got friends that I have always wondered as to how they can endure my random brief moments of insanity. We are all mad here.
"Is this the real life or is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide No escape from reality Open your eyes Look up to the skies and see Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
What are you afraid of?
I'm afraid of dying regrets. That is why I try, and try, and try so hard to be more active and productive and just to be more me. To reach my own expectation of myself or something. Just not, I wouldn't want a repeat of these past few years of giving a pretty good walking dead expression. Still, I can be freaking arrested, file a lawsuit and yeah, being of age and a year also has perks. Though I only am typing this, I am pretty good on my words, now anyways, so I shall fear no evil, though i will be scared because scared means careful and I need all the care I can get - I shall also follow D.W. advise "EMPATHY, Sam, EMPATHY!!" - I shall not procrastinate and shall do immediately anything that I need to do.
Even though what I really want is to read HTML and make programs I should instead read NEWS and make criticism and the like.
This is what I signed up for. I keep PSALM 23 close to my heart.
Soporific - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster ... - [ Isalin ang pahinang ito ] a : causing or tending to cause sleep b : tending to dull awareness or alertness. 2. : of, relating to, or marked by sleepiness...
I'ma listen to this band that a friend of mine from high school recommended. in noomine. gonna be real cool listening to latin music? as in real latin?
I really am weirded out - or at least disconcerted that i've left, what a couple 100 words not even then, at my last post. It was not one of the best of my days-night whatev. The "weird" thing that I have discovered is how often I use the word "weird" to describe a person/place/thing just because. It's weird.
I must have gone crazy but life is on a fast track to a spiraling path to something dark and funny and a bit fearful. Yeah, I fear. For my life, sanity and soul. I am not an atheist. I try but I am not. In fact, i want to own and read the *great* BIBLE. Would you like to give me one?
I want to say how difficult it is to travel and the internship is mind-blowing, I'm afraid of my term at SSPG, my mind is filled with worst-case scenario happening to me as bm at cas, and i feel like i've pretty much wasted half of my life on earth. I want to be productive. I do not want to just be couch potato or an internet addict, reading fanfiction all night and day without ever learning social graces and having a real life. I wanna effing sleep. Im tired but I haven't done anything worthwhile this is frustrating. I wanna write. read. read some more. draw. watch info thingies and everything.
I have to care and be observant or I'm gonna die. I don't want regrets, I need to change and change we do. Because we are humans capable of higher understanding. That's why we invented computers.
I lovelovelove internet. I worship programming languages. I still alive in this earth because of torrents and downloadables.
You ever have a moment when you got this thing all planned out in your head to the last detail with planA and planB but when you're gonna start it all something happens and screws it all up? Like now when I feel so sleepy, I think I'm melting and oh god is this even 'the real life? or is it just fantasy? caught in a landslide no excape from reality, open your eyes look up at the skies and see...' I'm hungry and it's 1am in the morning. effing. i don't wanna be. something i don't need to be.
work hard. easy reading is hard writing. monetize your hobby. practice your pleasure. get our of your comfort zone to succeed in life. it's true just do it, yoda.
"Lay beside me, tell me what they've done Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true
If you can understand the me, than I can understand the you"
-The Unforgiven II, METALLICA
I was never one of those people who see themselves first. It's not that I'm self-less, it's just that I don't - I didn't care. I didn't care what I want. I didn't care what you want. What I need or what you need. It's just that it never got to my head to care before. I was a pampered SOB. That was then. And I lived life now, no matter how much I resent - I don't regret...much. House chores are house chores, they aren't much responsibility and may as well be taken care of by a 10 year old. In fact, some do. And I am way past 10 years old. Responsibilities are bothersome but they are the lifeblood that pumps purpose in the otherwise useless existence of human beings. Responsibilities are a bitch sometimes, but they are needed so as to survive this ---- world. Put your own adjective to describe it, I wouldn't want to destroy your idealism (or whatever is left of it). I'm just saying that I was avoiding responsibilities like the plague before. Now I realize I'm wrong and I'm sorry and I have to make it right. By accepting responsibilities - yeah, even by seeking responsibilities - I can practice what I know of leadership and life in general, also one of the best way to determine your capability and/or extent of skills and potential. Because of this, I am afraid, hell, I will be lying if i say I am not. However, really this responsibilities heaping on my shoulders are a bit abrupt and I am afraid I may not reach expectations but I am trying and doing and trying and doing again. I am stretching my atrophied muscles and "going out of my comfort zone" so as to speak. I do not want regrets. If inevitably I do have regrets, may it be regret from doing something and not being enough ~ instead of a regret from not doing something. Terrible, terrible frustration and regret it is to feel, the regret of doing nothing. A regret that have followed my footsteps and shadowed for years and that which I am determined to stop. now.
**Never I ask you But never I gave But you gave me your emptiness I now take to my grave Never I ask of you But never I gave But you gave me your emptiness I now take to my grave So let this heart be still (favorite part)
Last last day. It rain at sunset and the scene outside was washed out sepia. It was awesome. I love everyday and everything. I want everyone to be happy and to love everything. I try to keep a positive outlook while preparing for the worst case scenario and I accept whatever happens with pragmatism and an occasional stubborn determination. My friends keep me alive. My family keeps me sane. My God keeps me existing. My Dean keeps me human, to strive for the 210% even though I can hardly muster a 20%, to care for others while maintaining a sense of self-preservation (and some), to live life as it is and love life as it will be, to live at the present and to give up never, to push on and persevere through anything(demons & apocalypse be damned) for everything that is important(family&loved ones), and to never, ever, leave. It's just so, DEAN is so entirely complex for a simple man. I can never hope to be anything like him. I can only be me and hope that I can be someone Dean or at least (in reality) I-myself- can be proud of too.
Est queadam fiere voluptas There is a certain pleasure in weeping. (Ovid)
You know you are back home when you wake up at the floor to see a chicken walking by and the incessant sound of the telephone providing a background music. You realize life is not and does not consist of the four corners of your dorm room, your class room or of a computer's monitor. There's a whole world out there. We have to find it the right one for us rather than wait for the wrong ones to find us.
Then when you've followed the not quite yellow brick rode. Stand back and see for yourself. Is this what you really want? Is this where you want to be? Are the people you know know you or do you really know them at all? Are you living?
It's not - our psych class tells us it's called "catharsis" - Catharsis as crying is not inclusive to a gender. Really. We roll all day long with or without a smile on our face and is that fake or not? Cause putting a fake smile or smiling sad is as tiring as crying your eyes out.
I'm just saying...Man, it's healthy.
Damnant quod non intellegunt They condemn what they do not understand
I don't understand --- Cockroaches. I condemn them. I condemn them to hell. I hate, loathe, - I just - yuck cockroaches.
Know Thy Enemy
COCKROACH FACTS
Cockroaches belong to Kingdom Animalia, Phylum Arthropoda, Class Insecta and Order Blattaria. Some species invade human dwellings and are considered pests. These cockroaches can be carriers of various diseases because they are commonly found near waste deposits or in the kitchen, where food is present. Restaurants may also experience cockroach infestations.
Cockroaches can measure over one inch in length, with tropical species tending to be larger than those found in other climates. Cockroaches have six legs, two antennae and wings. However, a number of winged cockroaches are not particularly adept at flying.
Cockroaches emit unpleasant odors and may also produce sound. The Madagascar hissing cockroach is the most famous of these vocal cockroaches, although more common species may produce quieter clicking or chirping noises.
Contrary to popular belief, cockroaches are not afraid of light. Although most species do prefer darkness, some are actually attracted to light and can be found gathering near windows or on television screens at night. Most of these nocturnal insects will scatter when a light is shone upon them. However, this reaction is much more influenced by their fear of humans than their distaste for light.
Gruesome urban legends concerning the development of immature cockroaches within human wounds or fast foods are unfounded, as is the belief that cockroaches aggressively consume human fingernails and toenails. Cockroaches develop their populations in moist, warm areas inside and out but do not use human bodies as hosts. They may bite in the event of severe infestation and lack of other food sources, but this is also rare. Cockroaches prefer to feed on decaying organic matter and inanimate, starchy foods such as glue and wallpaper
Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit Perhaps someday we will look back upon these things with joy
&*@$! Contemplating about future makes me crazy. It's like this whole vast ocean stretched before my eyes and I should have learned to swim and except I didn't and I have to and I just know I'll drown and I don't have any choice. Sigh. Life is difficult. I understand that. I want to shape my own life the way it should have - if I haven't been as absent minded as I should have these past few years. And it feels like the heavens is crashing and falling upon me. But I like the feeling of having a goal - no matter how impossible, no matter how ridiculous, no matter how trivial - it's the acts that matter not the thoughts. I mean, the consequences of my actions can be reaped only if there were actual actions that happened before hand. Funny. It's the procrastinator in me, it didn't really die but i'm killing it. As sure as I can be, no matter how slow.
This has been one hell of a semester. Though I mean that in a positive way, it has me thinking of the last two semester left for me in my university. Banzai, higher education, you managed to endure a student like me for three years and counting. I have to get my point somewhere, yes? My point is it's after three years that I realized. Realized how important the academic life is in order for people, for us, for me to find the "good life". Realized how even though this was not the course I intended for myself originally (I learned to love it, I really do) that from choosing *that* to *this* - *this* was more challenging, more fulfilling and I may have chosen this path not solely owing to the great persuasion skills of my sire but because subconsciously I understood how it can tap to potential. Realized that antipathy is better than apathy and self-consciousness is better than non-attachment and ignorance is not bliss it just makes you stupid and indifference is irreverence. That's just the introspection and daydreams talking.
"Life: discover it in Political Science." "Or Lose Your Sanity."
Books are food of the brain. Then I guess my brain is a bit undernourished. I figured I probably should write about my commentaries and critiques about Ben Ali, Mubarak, or Gadhafi but as I am not nearly as knowledgeable about them and their issues as I am with --- my fandoms, better I read about other people's commentaries and critiques. Classes are bright and enlightening nowadays especially when I and my beloved classmates participate actively. My self-worth is being rediscovered. Really got touched when I read the book about law professors and how they endure low income with their high intellect just for the sake of teaching students. And how they are proud when their students exceed their expectations or take achievements.
I'm not gonna ramble on now, cause I have 'real life' calling me. I'm not hating real life. I'm not. I love it.
anthropomorphism n. Attribution of human motivation, characteristics, or behavior to inanimate objects, animals, or natural phenomena ...
As per usual, I am wasting my time reading fanfiction and not studying. But I'll get right on that. Because, believe it or not, I am paying attention in classes right now.
Oh, why shouldn't people be nice and good without secretly being evil - for a change? There's nothing as frustrating as wanting to do something but facing hindrance by something out of your own power. Like, when you know you can do something but you can't because it's not your decision to make whether that something should be assigned to you. And...you end up with a craptastic job that you don't know, don't like and that you hate. It's just like making a mistake - and enrolling in a different college course than the one you'd like and suffering through four years of torture. Studying; things you'd rather puke at than read. Not having time for your own interest; because you have to 'study'. Makes me wonder whether the public/private educational system is a boon or a bane.
You're right Ariane, "Education could ruin our common sense." Charm, stop being so pessimistic about yourself and just DO it and stop overthinking about things. Ivy, I understand how it is...reading true-to-life story should be good or Jan Kooiman's book will do.
There are crazies out there in the world. We can't let ourselves be distracted from life itself. Even if we know how FUBAR it is. Breathing and Living it we have the choice to be...to exist and define that existence. Or would you rather drown yourself in depression in thinking about needless, unproductive thoughts?
I think, sometimes, that the Apocalypse is coming. Or starting, whatever. Just read the Revelations or the newspapers - it's the same trite predictions of the symbolic four horsemen's advent. Ooh...better yet, you can watch Supernatural. That'll be taking it over the top.
My mind is focused if I am interested in what I am doing and am willing to waste time in doing it and that I can persuade myself that I am not wasting my time in taking time to do it. Also, I'd be proud of myself if I can make a blog post without a reference to Supernatural. I would really. Except, it won't be interesting to read ramblings of a half-sane creature about things like Post-Modernism, Consumerism, US Intervention, Philippine Military's Modernization, Bussiness and Technology, and the uprisings in the Arab States this 2011.
My sister's a weirdo. 'Bakit ka palagi kang ganyan?' Madali uminit ang ulo.
God bless us everyone We're a broken people living under loaded gun And it can't be outfoght It can't be outdone It can't out matched It can't be outrun
And here I thought we were through.
When I close my eyes, ask me what I see. I see everything there is to see, only there's something black covering it. Well, anyways, again...here I am.
I'm listening to Slipknot's Vermillion pt.2 Here, listen to it to...
Yeah, I heard this from my playlist long, long ago, when I was just a highschooler and i was kinda...you know, a teenager. Or something. Yeah, I was weird then and I'd like to thing I'm weirder now. I talk a lot to myself now, I sing a lot more songs now, I read (not a lot) but boring sleep-inducing polsci handouts now and it's a great miracle that I haven't committed suicide yet. I think now that Im *cough* eighteen *cough* I should be more mature, right? right? riiight.
But making an analytical meta of Vermillion pt. 2 in relation to Supernatural's Winchester is being mature right? right? riiight.
VERMILLION (part 2)_ SLIPKNOT
She seemed dressed in all of me, stretched across my shame. This is for John Winchester, the father - the husband, who lost his wife in that dreadful hell fire. I would like to think that this refers to John's dreams of Mary, the Mary in his mind being as beautiful as that fateful night, remembering almost all the minutae details about it, to Mary's clohes and her hair and the fire. But it's the rebuke that echoes in John's sense. Maybe Mary talks to him or maybe she just looks at him, either way the life that the Winchester Family lives now - as hunters - are really a cause for Mary's sadness. Mary wouldn't want this for her sons, for her husband, for her family.
All the torments and the pain, leak through and covered me. During, before and we all know there is no after in John's life as a hunter and as a father and as an avenging widow. It speaks for himself, his scars and his sons, of the pain he feels and everything that has happened.
I'd do anything to have her to myself, just to have her for myself. 'Killing that demon comes before everything.' John once told Sam. But he was wrong, he should know, because family comes before everything. This was what he knows when there was Mary, this was what he taught Dean when there wasn't a Mary anymore, and this was what Dean told Sam - not through words maybe but through actions that defy any explanations but the reason that 'family comes before everything'. John became so obsessed at getting revenge for Mary that he lost sight of the most important thing: his family.
Now I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do When she makes me sad. Before the red haze of revenge clouding John's eyes, all he does and all he ever thinks is hunt, The Hunt. And that isn't right. But it's lost to him now.
She is everything to me, the unrequited dream, the song that no one sings, the unattainable. This one's for Dean, for the Mary that Dean remembers and loves. The mother that Sam never had and the wife that John is wallowing in, Dean's Mary is something that holds him to the ground and gives him strength. To be strong for himself, to be strong for his family and to be strong for everyone. 'I think about it everyday.' Dean Winchester, S1, Ep3
She's a myth that I have to believe in, all I need to make it real is one more reason. This one's for Sam, because he never had Mary, never felt a mother's love, and hugs and kiss and tasted a sandwich made by his mother. So in justifying the life they are living, why Dad is so obsessed in hunting, why Dean just follows everything Dad says, why Sam has to endure everything...Sam needs Mary as a reason too, but it's hard because Sam never knew her, never seen her, never had her. So he left and searched for his own Mary.
I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do When she makes me sad.
The Winchesters don't know what to do.
But I won't let this build up inside of me, They can't let this sadness die.
I won't let this build up inside of me, John won't let his sadness swallow him, so he hunts.
I won't let this build up inside of me, Dean won't let his father be bury himself literally by this hunt, so he stays for his family.
I won't let this build up inside of me. Sam can't let himself be lost in this family that lives for a memory, so he leaves for a Mary.
A catch in my throat, Remember when Dean was 4 and he didn't speak for a year?
Choke, Remember when Sam got his letter from Stanford?
Torn into pieces, Remember the day when John stopped answering his phone and left Sam and Dean with coordinates and never an answer?
I won't, no, I don't want to be this,
They didn't want to be. But they were. And now, nothing can stop them, no demons, no angels, no death, no god, and not even themselves.
But I won't let this build up inside of me, I won't let this build up inside of me, I won't let this build up inside of me, I won't let this build up inside of me. Pause. Play. Repeat. Rewind. Fast Forward. No matter what song they sing, it's still the same, right Dean van Halen? Change the present, Change the future, but you can't really change the past.
She isn't real, I can't make her real. She isn't real, I can't make her real. They can't make her alive, even when they killed the Demon - Mary's murder...it's revenge right? But is it worth it? Is it worth it? Are their FUBAR lives worth the freakin bullet to the head of that freakin yellow-eyed-demon? Mary, maybe she can answer that.
Yeah, Im a bit obsessed too. But it's a good obsession. kinda
