saw your angel wings, don't you miss the sky?

Next time I'll be braver

I'll be my own savior

When the thunder calls for me

I never really needed anybody. Never really thought I needed to ask for help. Never really thought that what I'm doing might not be enough.

I was so wrong.

Anyway, here's my new wallpaper. Oh, Photoshop how I missed you!

1280 x 800. Used the image of Dean Winchester in Faith, Episode 12, Season 1.

"I'm not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot."

Quote from The Battle of Evermore by Led Zepplin.

Huntre's the name of my laptop.

Yep, I name the things I own. Not because they have personality but because they get angry when I call them Baby.

I'm feeling my way again in Photoshop. I'm relearning again. I wanna stay up all night but sleeplessness makes me act like a 5-year old kid with an ADHD on a sugar high.

The mosquitos they like me. They like me so much they're kissing my feet. (reality: me = mosquito dinner)

I have wanted to be a graphic designer/animator since when I was old enough to read that article on Animation on our big old encyclopedia. I really can't see myself happy and efficient in any other career or job other than relating to computers and graphic designing. But I maybe it's just me and my computer addiction.

My life feels like a dream. And like all dreams they end when you wake up. I feel like I'm waking up, to this realizations that has been seeking my attention for years. I'm facing up to them, to this, really. I have no excuses.

Graphika Manila, I'll see you next year. Bad timing.

                                                         

Now darling, you're born, get old and die here

Well that's quite enough for me,

We'll find our own way home somehow.

"Stop boring me and THINK, it's the new sexy."

Boring Cases. Blogs. Banter. The Woman. The Camera Phone. The Pulse. and Goodbye Mister Holmes.

"...Love is a dangerous disadvantage."*

-Sherlock, A Scandal in Belgravia

After the tense and almost amusing stand-off between Sherlock and Moriarty, Moriarty walks away talking on his cellphone and then after we see blood red painted nails. Irene Adler.

Funny thing is Sherlock has his own website but people are reading Watson's blog. 1895 hits. People are interested in Sherlock's life and detective works not all of the 243 kinds of tobacco ash.

Mycroft: This is a matter of national importance, grow up!
Sherlock: Get out of my sheet!
Mycroft: Or what?
Sherlock: Or I'll just walk away.
Mycroft: I'll let you.


Their banter was fun and natural. Reminds me of Sam and Dean in the early seasons of Supernatural. Digressing. Ok, fun stuff now. Sherlock in his priest get-up. Sherlock and Watson fighting on the streets. John's outraged "I was a soldier. I killed people!" and Sherlocks "You're a doctor!" and finally "I had bad days!" Being relegated to the side Watson was almost funny. Also Hamish, is a very good baby name John, thanks. Don't make jokes Molly. I feel sorry for Molly, Sherlock's so naive sometimes at least she got a kiss and Sherlock apologized! 

It was enlightening to see Sherlock defend Mrs. Hudsons against Mycroft. And then his anger against Mrs. Hudson's attacker which led him to make the man "fall" over the window. Repeatedly.

What has impressed me greatly about this episode is that Sherlock has feelings. Irene Adler was effective in showing the man in Sherlock. That he is normal and he makes mistakes. It was a tragic love affair they have. Sherlock composing music that's what helps him think. Going out the morgue Sherlock, sees a family mourning and wonders out loud, "They care so much. You wonder if there's something wrong with us." There was this great speech by Mycroft "...caring is not an advantage," and then Sherlock's walking away saying Merry Christmas and Mycroft replying and a Happy New Year. Somehow they make exchanging Holiday greetings feel sad.

I AM SHERLOCKED

Somehow this doesn't feel like a game. It isn't. 

The last message Irene sent to Sherlock, "Goodbye, Mr. Holmes".

Or is it?

The door it's not locked (knob's broken)

Supernatural's Season 7 Episode 20 - "The Girl with the Dungeons and Dragons Tatoo" was so awesome, so inspirational that I named my Yelling Robot (an app that displays a cute robot annoying you) as Charlie Bradbury! 

"Nothing's unbreakable."

Supernatural's Season 7 Episode 11 - "Adventures in Babysitting" was awesome too! It had Dean and fist bumps and though it was a dweeby thing to do, I can be a dweeb anytime if it means I can fist bump with Dean!! Ok, so much for that, staying calm thing. So even though some had said that the girl, Krissy, had been a Mary Sue and the episode was one big 'ol sister fic for me it was a great episode. Dean and Frank's scenes were funny and then sad and then funny again when you think about all those nicknames he gave to Dean. My Littel Lamb, really? And the "I'll take the first shift." then Dean konking out immediately. Seriously, the fist bumps. A bit cliche but the end almost gutted me. The government should put a warning on Jensen Ackles acting or something because it's dangerous for my mental and emotional health. 

"You're a dweeb."

Aaaaand.

This post was way overdue. Still, yeah, no time like the present, right? Or as some of the cool kids like to say, YOLO!

Supernatural is no on it's 8th Season!! Hope this one would be better. Start's on October and Jensen Ackles is directing the third episode. It would be very exciting to know what had happened to Dean in Purgatory. I really hope they would flesh out the characters and plot this time rather than glaze over it like they had unfortunately done with Season 4.

Well, I am a fan. I would watch the show even if it would be just them bloopers. Really. 

This infuriating thing called...

SLEEP.

I never have enough. But who does?

The world is telling me to wake up when I haven't had a wink. Oh alright maybe I had, a bit. I am still tired though. *sneer* Rantings! Again?? ok, someday this would contain stuff that is actually useful..ya know stuff like, free downloads of my own original work.

And what work would that be, you ask? That would be...wait for it... awesome!

Which would probably contain cats, the color pink and glitter. Lots of glitter. Lots and lots of them.

...hmm..I don't know, I feel like writing status updates in my own vernacular language, is it wrong?

 Well, except if I'm replying to someone who doesn't know, Karay-a in FB and Twitter will go on!

#notfeelingstupid #sosleepy #itsraining #ilovebooks #imrambling #whatsthisforagain?

Inducing Creativity

GRAPHIKA MANILA

is the annual multimedia and design event in the Philippines. This event has been garnering the attendance of professionals and student alike since it's conception in 2006.

In it's 7th year, the speakers include PSYOP, GMUNK, DROGA5, HYDRO74, JP CUISON, JEROME AUSTRIA and CREATE.PH. 

It will be held on August 11 and the registration starts at 9am while the event itself will start at 10am and end at 6pm. The venue is SMX Convention Center - Mall of Asia Complex, Pasay, Metro Manila.

Apparently due to many request the early bird promo for the tickets had been extended up until tomorrow Tuesday - July 17. The early bird price for students are Php 1,550.00 and for those who are not students or are professionals it is Php 1,750.00. The regular price is Php 1, 750 for students and Php 1,950 for those who are not.

Each purchase of the ticket includes an admission to the whole day conference, a conference kit and an e-certificate of attendance.

I believe this would be a very awesome event. Wish I could come.

For further inquiries please visit their website:
Graphika Manila 2012

Thank you for reading and a video from the Manila Design Week 2010 for you:

"WE CONSUME DESIGN EVERY DAY"

Eat well.

...this things makes us sentimental, inside

This is not the end, this is not the beginning

Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision

Just another beginning to an end. We walk through this life knowing of our mortality yet most live everyday as if they would never die. There's a song that is singing in the back of your head, you realize it's your thoughts speaking to you in whether you listen to it or not. But when you do, you will not acknowledge the fact sometimes deliberately denying it. And when you don't, you will remember and you will regret. You fear the voice as much as you long to hear it whispering nothings.

But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm

Though the words sound steady something empty's within them

The road is not devoid of turns and twists. There is something howling further in the way, you must not seem afraid. Chaotic, that is what they sound like when they offer you whatever they do. You move and dodge yet you do not sway. To them dictators they feed off a yes like it's a contract to your soul. You hear yourself speaking and you smile because sometimes you can make yourself care to know what you mean. 

We say yeah with fists flying up in the air

Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there

I dreamt of the sea and underneath it a mermaid swimming alone like a washed up doll thrown overboard by a spoiled rich kid. I try to reach out for her but even though she's only in front of me I never reached her. She had flaming tresses whipping up and dancing about in the water like fire being blown by the wind and its framing her face like a veil as if to hide from the sorrows that managed to reach the depths of the ocean. Because even when you can see your hands, you know they are empty and you fear that they forever will be.

Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear

Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

There are times I wish I wouldn't fall asleep. But when I open my eyes to find the world still existing, I find myself wondering what it would be like if I never woke up. . .

-italicized phrases are from Waiting for the End to fall by Linkin Park

-title is from Tuung's Bullets

Where Fiction is more Canon than My Life

SAM:
You know, I went after her, Dean. Maybe that's what's bugging you -- that I'm moving on with my life. I mean, you took care of me, and that's great. But I don't need you anymore.

When you live under the unforgiving society like an umbrella from the debris and the filth and the dirt, you exist. Safe. But when you have nothing to die for, you are not living - not really. It's when you wake up in the morning and you have something to look up to, something to do, something to anticipate whether it be anticipating joy or anticipating fear, at least it's something. Better than nothing that most people have.

However when you have one thing, one thing in your life since you were a child everything is focused. As if every breath you take has a sole reason, a purpose as if you are worth nothing without being that person who does - the job. It is an awfully terriffying yet rewarding life if you do have that. And Dean does, he really does and he's awesome at it - being a big brother. After 30 years of being a Winchester, 40 years down the pit, its breathing down your neck, your life is and whether you like it or not, you must stop.


TUMBLR: A place where people loves taking notes, where you receive death threats if you don't stay on it, where people are nice to you that you never knew that they were actually being mean (or vice versa)
I love tumblr

Gonna finish my papers and my research no matter what it takes.

Last Ever Lone Gunman

This heart break is never ending
It's like it never happened
A fall from grace is close
Why not speed it up?



There was never enough of it, even when I first started. Time, that is.

2nd Verse

And when I buy, I buy things with a Product of the Philippines tag or at least one without a Made in China.

Listening to Leona Lewis croon Run and when she says ' i'll be right beside you...' I hear Dean instead of dear.

Playing inside my head however is Adele's Someone like you, repeatedly playing inside my head.

The second verse hits me like a Supernatural Pilot theme song.

A beautiful lie by 30 seconds to mars is screaming at me.

everyone's a comedian but me.

but, would you rather be here?

In all this years, these last weeks at college are the sloowest.

Like a needle falling through zero-gravity to drop in a middle of a stack of hay. The most important things are the most difficult. Like graduating and stuff. Like giving up and perseverance. So wrong to believe in what your mind and not listen to what you do. The difference in what I was doing before and to what I am achieving know is that I listen and I believe and I do. There is no forgiveness for wasting your own time. It's your own. You do have to realize that reality is subjective but life is always objective. 'S like a background music, life is. You, yourself should provide the running commentary, the script, the voice singing loud an clear - your life should contain your reality and your decisions and your happiness. There is never a life wasted in doing what you wanted. It may hurt people, yes? But unless it involves immorality and illegality, everything we do must be done, now.

/when love was raw and young, believed that we can changed ourselves/

fallen by sarah mcclaughlin

Nothing more to write right now. Many things to do by today and tomorrow.

The Beautiful Lie (or Not)

The Dream I had, it felt so real
When I woke up, i thought i was dreaming




I told you, SLEEP and ME? We have a love-hate, on-off and really rocky relationship.

My playlist is screaming Metallica one second and then crooning some Hush Sound the next. Headphones in each ear, it's really escape. Escape from distractions - as i would likely tell anyone who'd ask...or Escape from reality - this is what emo people do, and emo i am not. Well, not anymore, i guess. Let's see, Locked Up from Ingrid Michaelson is my favorite song right the f now.

But for Dean, it's THAT's OKAY by The Hush Sound. Okay, here's how it goes...

You were a child who was made of glass.

You carried a black heart passed down from your dad.

You want to go back to where you felt safe,

To hear your brother's laughter,

See your mother's face.

Your childhood home is just powder-white bones

And you'll never find your way back.

--spn again, lol, just can't resist

I think the PolSci people can be the major reason of deforestation and global warming...what with all the printing of papers and the hotheatedness of the people in the world nowadays.

This is a 'wild world' as cat stevens says and 'it's hard to get by just upon a smile'. So couple that smile with hard work. Just like how Sam and Dean does it. No matter what shit life throws at them, they get up, stand, fight and move along. They don't just miraculously solve hunts and cases just by being them - they research, they interview witness, they do recon, they had a lifetime of training put to good use and their lives are difficult, but they survive. Broken but alive nonetheless.

I won't let my 'normal' life be a waste now that i know people sacrificed to work hard for this life. No, 'm not talking about Sam n Dean. 'M talking about those everyday-- you know, the jeepney driver, trisikad driver, waitress, teacher, paper-pusher in some office, moms and dads...you know the people you rely on without which you'd have a life you'd never want.

I know, how lucky i am. I would like to express my appreciation.

move it or lose it, pal.

The stairs smell, and not in the funny way. Thanks, cats.

At least, back home, the slipper-napping dogs can be pretty much told to approximate a domesticated conduct.

I had no sleep, 4 cups of coffee, an unlimited internet surfing for one day and would have to pass the result of this sleepless night at 8 o'clock then an exam at 2'3o afternoon.

It's nothing really, it's just...do i really have to?

I really do don't i.

Awesome.

Good one, tumblr. No thanks to you, I've only barely made it.

On the Flip Side

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what i'm about to say...


Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only things that's worse than one is none

There's too much and too little.

I'm supposed to type sentimental crap about life and all that. Everything's changed. But everything's the same. It really is.

What I'm really amused at is how my lil brother won't believe that i'm on my fourth year and should (probably) graduate soon. My life is so full of supernatural it's not even funny anymore

Dean: Oh come on, it's a little bit funny.

Ok, take stock. My music ranges from classic, classic rock, rock metal, psychedelic rock, and weird piano songies. I'm itching to cut my hair but not until the "Prom". Finishing my papers, i have this feeling of "they are lovely dear, thank you" with all this papers our teachers dumped at us before the vacation. Surprise, surprise...i'm not finished with 'em yet. Memento mori.

The sun is screaming against antipathy...my? yours? OURS?

The moon whispers that he knows, he knows, he knows and it whispers the lie that everyone knows to ...everything's gonna be alright.

All these amazing stories i'm reading, all this fanfictions...they're all more or less AWESOME.

Life is beautiful and we need to have fun. Do everything we can to live our life right now because later may not come or tomorrow might be a never.

At peace and loving life, we need to embrace ourselves and dream for ourselves.

Who would catch our dreams if we don't chase for it ourselves?

liberal revelry

I don't know anything.

I dont' want to know anything.

I'm getting too emo by myself here. I need pandemonium.

The seven levels of hell are there to provide entertainment equal to the boredom felt by effing demons. There are piano keys that are sharp and flat to distinguish the tone of one's mood - to sleep dying or to die asleep. I watch everything fall and I even help it some. I like it but I don't want it. I must be crazy now. Three years and finally.

I know I can do it. It's what bugging me. I know I can do it and I don't need to do it because I-know I can. Ends up not doing anything.

*effing edit*

I know what this is. a rant. and i don't want this to be. sorry peeps.

Be not afraid. I'm gonna continue this and look how far I can get.

Ogd, I hate myself.

Sometimes, I hate other people, but most of the times, I just hate the time and how it cant be paused or stopped. I want to be alive but I can't go on living like this. I know what I want but I don't know what I need. And it's driving me crazy. I need to go out and be with people, but I'm gonna die, because I don't feel like it. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to. I just want to do what I wanted. I'm selfish.

I realize that I suck at thinking. My brains all fried up and whenever I tell myself to do something, I can't I don't. And I'm losing my shit, so to speak.

Oh, unforgiven...I want you to meet Cold by Crossfade.

EPIPHANY IN A JEEPNEY - quisque comoedus est -

Everybody sure is a comedian.





Tailspinning. Never really knew the word until now. It's the columns of unread books and half-filled notes in a corner of your room. It's the random stuff pushed to the side on your cabinet-slash-table where you are typing this post. It's the echoes in your head of 'duty: in the morning' and 'duty: in the afternoon' hoping you never sleep so you can't be late. It's the paradox of feeling hungry and yet feeling nauseous at the same time. It's the promises, it's the responsibilities, it's the work that isn't really work that's getting me. It pulls me down, feels like I just discovered gravity.

On this OJT, god, in this ojt, I learned amazing things I wouldn't dream about. I learned how people are good, i learned how people are caring, i learned how people are. People are just people. And I also learned how to, as they say, roll with the punches. Because, really, you can't go on with life without suppressing your weakness and fighting against it. Because life. Life is not about you. It's not about how you avoid the pain you know will come. It's not about how you seek for the happiness you think will have. It's about living and fighting and being you AGAINST-and or-WITH people (-you love/-you hate/you don't care about) on a world that keeps trying to kill you.

I have a strange suspicion that the World is trying to kill us all. And we can't let it get to us.

Moving on, what I meant to say was - to maintain a balance between - this is important, ok - a midpoint between CARING and NOT CARING. Because caring too much for something will end in disappointment and frustration while totally not caring gets you this hollow feeling and a sense of worthlessness. I'm speaking from experience here kids.

This tailspinning thing is gonna get worse. I'm having aches in places I didn't even had an itch before. Aaand, before I got to a nonstop whining mode I just want to say that maybe, I'm just feeling this because It's the first time since ever that I had to work so hard. Yep. Probably. I figured that maybe I had some ridiculously good karma on one of my past life and no matter what I do here, something keeps fixing my life back. I hope I can help more actively and properly in maintaining the life that I am living or better yet the life that I should be living.

Epiphany on a jeepney is like getting high.

My music ranges from Metallica to Kelly Clarkson to Chopin. Seriously, it's Supernatural's fault. - - - - and here I thought i would have a no-Supernatural post. tsk.tsk.tsk. Glee? what's that? no. I'm not getting addicted to Glee. Nope. nah. Nuh-uh.

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore,
is not an act but a habit.
Aristotle

For eighteen years of your life you never wanted more than this. Yet when you look back and think ahead you wished you wished for everything and anything. Not this, not the cast iron on your shoulder, the shackles on your feet, the blindfolds in your eyes, the nails in your head and certainly not this hole in your chest.

ARE THESE FOR REAL?

You’re so hypnotizing
Could you be the devil
Could you be an angel

Your touch magnetizing
Feels like I am floating
Leaves my body glowing

They say be afraid
You’re not like the others
Futuristic lover
Different DNA
They don’t understand you

Your from a whole other world
A different dimension
You open my eyes
And I’m ready to go
Lead me into the light

Katy Perry – E.T. Lyrics

When I got lyrics of a Katy Perry song on repeat on my head - that's when I know that the APOCALYPSE is coming.

A world of perfect bliss....i don't ever want to go away from here. never. never. never. never. never. and never into infinity.

I would like to say that my obsession with SUPERNATURAL is reaching alarming levels. Like a double edged sword, there are times that it inspires me to continue living but there are times it constricts and hinders my life. There has never been such a great dilemma in my life - to love or not to love...spn...that is the *real* question.

You know what? I miss my anime songs, i miss the times where i have the time where i can write and draw and oh god -drawing. Feel like I've been living in a half-life state and the is-this-real sense.

*will edit8

Brimming with Witlessness and Sloth

SMILE, they like it when you do.


I see the world as it is in the homeless person's dark gloomy feet, of journeys untold and life so unfair and unjust. I see the world as it should be in the night when a blackout shines brighter than any sun and the all the stars that hid appear as if from a dream. I see the world as it will be in my safety of my thoughts, in my words that could either create or decimate and in the do or do not.


Even though I've come so far,
I know I've got so far to go
And any day now I'll explode
-Like the Angel by Rise Against



I really have got to stop talking to myself. Soliloquy isn't as fun as I make it to be. Life's catching up. Hmn, what if I'll be the one to try and run towards it. Like negating a force of impact by providing the same amount of force. Writing feels like a workout you know venting stress and frustrations to turn into words - brilliance. You can actually make money doing this. But I write and money doesn't just attach itself beside your exclamation point and commas. I've got a life. This just keeps getting cliche-r every day. I've got friends that I have always wondered as to how they can endure my random brief moments of insanity.      We are all mad here.


"Is this the real life or is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen

What are you afraid of?

I'm afraid of dying regrets.
That is why I try, and try, and try so hard to be more active and productive and just to be more me. To reach my own expectation of myself or something. Just not, I wouldn't want a repeat of these past few years of giving a pretty good walking dead expression. Still, I can be freaking arrested, file a lawsuit and yeah, being of age and a year also has perks. Though I only am typing this, I am pretty good on my words, now anyways, so I shall fear no evil, though i will be scared because scared means careful and I need all the care I can get - I shall also follow D.W. advise "EMPATHY, Sam, EMPATHY!!" - I shall not procrastinate and shall do immediately anything that I need to do.

Even though what I really want is to read HTML and make programs I should instead read NEWS and make criticism and the like.

This is what I signed up for. I keep PSALM 23 close to my heart.

someday

Te ano karon: Sa Pagkatutom v2.a

Soporific - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster ... - [ Isalin ang pahinang ito ]
a : causing or tending to cause sleep b : tending to dull awareness or alertness. 2. : of, relating to, or marked by sleepiness...

I'ma listen to this band that a friend of mine from high school recommended. in noomine. gonna be real cool listening to latin music? as in real latin?

I really am weirded out - or at least disconcerted that i've left, what a couple 100 words not even then, at my last post. It was not one of the best of my days-night whatev. The "weird" thing that I have discovered is how often I use the word "weird" to describe a person/place/thing just because. It's weird.

I must have gone crazy but life is on a fast track to a spiraling path to something dark and funny and a bit fearful. Yeah, I fear. For my life, sanity and soul. I am not an atheist. I try but I am not. In fact, i want to own and read the *great* BIBLE. Would you like to give me one?

I want to say how difficult it is to travel and the internship is mind-blowing, I'm afraid of my term at SSPG, my mind is filled with worst-case scenario happening to me as bm at cas, and i feel like i've pretty much wasted half of my life on earth. I want to be productive. I do not want to just be couch potato or an internet addict, reading fanfiction all night and day without ever learning social graces and having a real life. I wanna effing sleep. Im tired but I haven't done anything worthwhile this is frustrating. I wanna write. read. read some more. draw. watch info thingies and everything.

I have to care and be observant or I'm gonna die. I don't want regrets, I need to change and change we do. Because we are humans capable of higher understanding. That's why we invented computers.

I lovelovelove internet. I worship programming languages. I still alive in this earth because of torrents and downloadables.

You ever have a moment when you got this thing all planned out in your head to the last detail with planA and planB but when you're gonna start it all something happens and screws it all up? Like now when I feel so sleepy, I think I'm melting and oh god is this even 'the real life? or is it just fantasy? caught in a landslide no excape from reality, open your eyes look up at the skies and see...' I'm hungry and it's 1am in the morning. effing. i don't wanna be. something i don't need to be.

work hard. easy reading is hard writing. monetize your hobby. practice your pleasure. get our of your comfort zone to succeed in life. it's true just do it, yoda.

Terribly, Horribly Good

War poems aside and bible psalms and fanfiction qoutes...

"i've been better" is what i'd like to say but it's 5:46 and I have an internship at 8:00 and i'm writing in my blog whilst listening to metallica.

Round and round and circles is our internship at capitol.

People who loves stat sometimes doesn't get high grades and vice versa

People don't pass not because they are unintelligent but because they are lazy.

MAY 29 is my report on Fallacies and Sophisms.

{{ Breaker, Breaker }}------it never ends

"Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true

If you can understand the me, than I can understand the you"

-The Unforgiven II, METALLICA

I was never one of those people who see themselves first. It's not that I'm self-less, it's just that I don't - I didn't care. I didn't care what I want. I didn't care what you want. What I need or what you need. It's just that it never got to my head to care before. I was a pampered SOB. That was then. And I lived life now, no matter how much I resent - I don't regret...much. House chores are house chores, they aren't much responsibility and may as well be taken care of by a 10 year old. In fact, some do. And I am way past 10 years old. Responsibilities are bothersome but they are the lifeblood that pumps purpose in the otherwise useless existence of human beings. Responsibilities are a bitch sometimes, but they are needed so as to survive this ---- world. Put your own adjective to describe it, I wouldn't want to destroy your idealism (or whatever is left of it). I'm just saying that I was avoiding responsibilities like the plague before. Now I realize I'm wrong and I'm sorry and I have to make it right. By accepting responsibilities - yeah, even by seeking responsibilities - I can practice what I know of leadership and life in general, also one of the best way to determine your capability and/or extent of skills and potential. Because of this, I am afraid, hell, I will be lying if i say I am not. However, really this responsibilities heaping on my shoulders are a bit abrupt and I am afraid I may not reach expectations but I am trying and doing and trying and doing again. I am stretching my atrophied muscles and "going out of my comfort zone" so as to speak. I do not want regrets. If inevitably I do have regrets, may it be regret from doing something and not being enough ~ instead of a regret from not doing something. Terrible, terrible frustration and regret it is to feel, the regret of doing nothing. A regret that have followed my footsteps and shadowed for years and that which I am determined to stop. now.


Mama - Metallica ~~~ Mama she has taught me well Told me when I was young Son, your life's an open book Don't close it fore it's done The brigtest flame burns quickest Is what I heard they say A son's heart's owned to mother But I must find my way *Let my heart go Let your son grow Mama let your heart go Or let this heart be still


**Never I ask you
But never I gave
But you gave me your emptiness
I now take to my grave
Never I ask of you
But never I gave
But you gave me your emptiness
I now take to my grave
So let this heart be still
(favorite part)

Last last day. It rain at sunset and the scene outside was washed out sepia. It was awesome. I love everyday and everything. I want everyone to be happy and to love everything. I try to keep a positive outlook while preparing for the worst case scenario and I accept whatever happens with pragmatism and an occasional stubborn determination. My friends keep me alive. My family keeps me sane. My God keeps me existing. My Dean keeps me human, to strive for the 210% even though I can hardly muster a 20%, to care for others while maintaining a sense of self-preservation (and some), to live life as it is and love life as it will be, to live at the present and to give up never, to push on and persevere through anything(demons & apocalypse be damned) for everything that is important(family&loved ones), and to never, ever, leave. It's just so, DEAN is so entirely complex for a simple man. I can never hope to be anything like him. I can only be me and hope that I can be someone Dean or at least (in reality) I-myself- can be proud of too.

Nascentes Morimur

Est queadam fiere voluptas
There is a certain pleasure in weeping. (Ovid)


You know you are back home when you wake up at the floor to see a chicken walking by and the incessant sound of the telephone providing a background music. You realize life is not and does not consist of the four corners of your dorm room, your class room or of a computer's monitor. There's a whole world out there. We have to find it the right one for us rather than wait for the wrong ones to find us.

Then when you've followed the not quite yellow brick rode. Stand back and see for yourself. Is this what you really want? Is this where you want to be? Are the people you know know you or do you really know them at all? Are you living?

It's not - our psych class tells us it's called "catharsis" - Catharsis as crying is not inclusive to a gender. Really. We roll all day long with or without a smile on our face and is that fake or not? Cause putting a fake smile or smiling sad is as tiring as crying your eyes out.

I'm just saying...Man, it's healthy.


Damnant quod non intellegunt
They condemn what they do not understand


I don't understand --- Cockroaches. I condemn them.
I condemn them to hell. I hate, loathe, - I just - yuck cockroaches.

Know Thy Enemy

COCKROACH FACTS

Cockroaches belong to Kingdom Animalia, Phylum Arthropoda, Class Insecta and Order Blattaria. Some species invade human dwellings and are considered pests. These cockroaches can be carriers of various diseases because they are commonly found near waste deposits or in the kitchen, where food is present. Restaurants may also experience cockroach infestations.

Cockroaches can measure over one inch in length, with tropical species tending to be larger than those found in other climates. Cockroaches have six legs, two antennae and wings. However, a number of winged cockroaches are not particularly adept at flying.

Cockroaches emit unpleasant odors and may also produce sound. The Madagascar hissing cockroach is the most famous of these vocal cockroaches, although more common species may produce quieter clicking or chirping noises.

From ORKIN

COCKROACH MYTH

Contrary to popular belief, cockroaches are not afraid of light. Although most species do prefer darkness, some are actually attracted to light and can be found gathering near windows or on television screens at night. Most of these nocturnal insects will scatter when a light is shone upon them. However, this reaction is much more influenced by their fear of humans than their distaste for light.

Gruesome urban legends concerning the development of immature cockroaches within human wounds or fast foods are unfounded, as is the belief that cockroaches aggressively consume human fingernails and toenails. Cockroaches develop their populations in moist, warm areas inside and out but do not use human bodies as hosts. They may bite in the event of severe infestation and lack of other food sources, but this is also rare. Cockroaches prefer to feed on decaying organic matter and inanimate, starchy foods such as glue and wallpaper

From ORKIN



Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit
Perhaps someday we will look back upon these things with joy


&*@$! Contemplating about future makes me crazy. It's like this whole vast ocean stretched before my eyes and I should have learned to swim and except I didn't and I have to and I just know I'll drown and I don't have any choice. Sigh. Life is difficult. I understand that. I want to shape my own life the way it should have - if I haven't been as absent minded as I should have these past few years. And it feels like the heavens is crashing and falling upon me. But I like the feeling of having a goal - no matter how impossible, no matter how ridiculous, no matter how trivial - it's the acts that matter not the thoughts. I mean, the consequences of my actions can be reaped only if there were actual actions that happened before hand. Funny. It's the procrastinator in me, it didn't really die but i'm killing it. As sure as I can be, no matter how slow.

I wonder if everything would be the same again.

I know everything would never be the same again.

We begin to die, the moment we are born

Like a Manual, or something

This has been one hell of a semester. Though I mean that in a positive way, it has me thinking of the last two semester left for me in my university. Banzai, higher education, you managed to endure a student like me for three years and counting. I have to get my point somewhere, yes? My point is it's after three years that I realized. Realized how important the academic life is in order for people, for us, for me to find the "good life". Realized how even though this was not the course I intended for myself originally (I learned to love it, I really do) that from choosing *that* to *this* - *this* was more challenging, more fulfilling and I may have chosen this path not solely owing to the great persuasion skills of my sire but because subconsciously I understood how it can tap to potential. Realized that antipathy is better than apathy and self-consciousness is better than non-attachment and ignorance is not bliss it just makes you stupid and indifference is irreverence. That's just the introspection and daydreams talking.


Cool Myspace Generators


"Life: discover it in Political Science."
"Or Lose Your Sanity."

Books are food of the brain. Then I guess my brain is a bit undernourished. I figured I probably should write about my commentaries and critiques about Ben Ali, Mubarak, or Gadhafi but as I am not nearly as knowledgeable about them and their issues as I am with --- my fandoms, better I read about other people's commentaries and critiques. Classes are bright and enlightening nowadays especially when I and my beloved classmates participate actively. My self-worth is being rediscovered. Really got touched when I read the book about law professors and how they endure low income with their high intellect just for the sake of teaching students. And how they are proud when their students exceed their expectations or take achievements.

I'm not gonna ramble on now, cause I have 'real life' calling me. I'm not hating real life. I'm not. I love it.

The Psychology of the Psychotic

anthropomorphism n. Attribution of human motivation, characteristics, or behavior to inanimate objects, animals, or natural phenomena ...

As per usual, I am wasting my time reading fanfiction and not studying. But I'll get right on that. Because, believe it or not, I am paying attention in classes right now.

Oh, why shouldn't people be nice and good without secretly being evil - for a change? There's nothing as frustrating as wanting to do something but facing hindrance by something out of your own power. Like, when you know you can do something but you can't because it's not your decision to make whether that something should be assigned to you. And...you end up with a craptastic job that you don't know, don't like and that you hate. It's just like making a mistake - and enrolling in a different college course than the one you'd like and suffering through four years of torture. Studying; things you'd rather puke at than read. Not having time for your own interest; because you have to 'study'. Makes me wonder whether the public/private educational system is a boon or a bane.

You're right Ariane, "Education could ruin our common sense." Charm, stop being so pessimistic about yourself and just DO it and stop overthinking about things. Ivy, I understand how it is...reading true-to-life story should be good or Jan Kooiman's book will do.

There are crazies out there in the world. We can't let ourselves be distracted from life itself. Even if we know how FUBAR it is. Breathing and Living it we have the choice to be...to exist and define that existence. Or would you rather drown yourself in depression in thinking about needless, unproductive thoughts?

I think, sometimes, that the Apocalypse is coming. Or starting, whatever. Just read the Revelations or the newspapers - it's the same trite predictions of the symbolic four horsemen's advent. Ooh...better yet, you can watch Supernatural. That'll be taking it over the top.

My mind is focused if I am interested in what I am doing and am willing to waste time in doing it and that I can persuade myself that I am not wasting my time in taking time to do it. Also, I'd be proud of myself if I can make a blog post without a reference to Supernatural. I would really. Except, it won't be interesting to read ramblings of a half-sane creature about things like Post-Modernism, Consumerism, US Intervention, Philippine Military's Modernization, Bussiness and Technology, and the uprisings in the Arab States this 2011.

My sister's a weirdo. 'Bakit ka palagi kang ganyan?' Madali uminit ang ulo.

BURN. Fire Burn

God bless us everyone
We're a broken people living under loaded gun
And it can't be outfoght
It can't be outdone
It can't out matched
It can't be outrun

And here I thought we were through.

When I close my eyes, ask me what I see. I see everything there is to see, only there's something black covering it. Well, anyways, again...here I am.

I'm listening to Slipknot's Vermillion pt.2 Here, listen to it to...



Yeah, I heard this from my playlist long, long ago, when I was just a highschooler and i was kinda...you know, a teenager. Or something. Yeah, I was weird then and I'd like to thing I'm weirder now. I talk a lot to myself now, I sing a lot more songs now, I read (not a lot) but boring sleep-inducing polsci handouts now and it's a great miracle that I haven't committed suicide yet. I think now that Im *cough* eighteen *cough* I should be more mature, right? right? riiight.

But making an analytical meta of Vermillion pt. 2 in relation to Supernatural's Winchester is being mature right? right? riiight.

VERMILLION (part 2)_ SLIPKNOT

She seemed dressed in all of me,
stretched across my shame.
This is for John Winchester, the father - the husband, who lost his wife in that dreadful hell fire. I would like to think that this refers to John's dreams of Mary, the Mary in his mind being as beautiful as that fateful night, remembering almost all the minutae details about it, to Mary's clohes and her hair and the fire. But it's the rebuke that echoes in John's sense. Maybe Mary talks to him or maybe she just looks at him, either way the life that the Winchester Family lives now - as hunters - are really a cause for Mary's sadness. Mary wouldn't want this for her sons, for her husband, for her family.


All the torments and the pain,
leak through and covered me.
During, before and we all know there is no after in John's life as a hunter and as a father and as an avenging widow. It speaks for himself, his scars and his sons, of the pain he feels and everything that has happened.

I'd do anything to have her to myself,
just to have her for myself.
'Killing that demon comes before everything.' John once told Sam. But he was wrong, he should know, because family comes before everything. This was what he knows when there was Mary, this was what he taught Dean when there wasn't a Mary anymore, and this was what Dean told Sam - not through words maybe but through actions that defy any explanations but the reason that 'family comes before everything'. John became so obsessed at getting revenge for Mary that he lost sight of the most important thing: his family.


Now I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad.
Before the red haze of revenge clouding John's eyes, all he does and all he ever thinks is hunt, The Hunt. And that isn't right. But it's lost to him now.


She is everything to me, the unrequited dream,
the song that no one sings, the unattainable.
This one's for Dean, for the Mary that Dean remembers and loves. The mother that Sam never had and the wife that John is wallowing in, Dean's Mary is something that holds him to the ground and gives him strength. To be strong for himself, to be strong for his family and to be strong for everyone.
'I think about it everyday.' Dean Winchester, S1, Ep3


She's a myth that I have to believe in,
all I need to make it real is one more reason.
This one's for Sam, because he never had Mary, never felt a mother's love, and hugs and kiss and tasted a sandwich made by his mother. So in justifying the life they are living, why Dad is so obsessed in hunting, why Dean just follows everything Dad says, why Sam has to endure everything...Sam needs Mary as a reason too, but it's hard because Sam never knew her, never seen her, never had her. So he left and searched for his own Mary.

I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad.

The Winchesters don't know what to do.


But I won't let this build up inside of me,
They can't let this sadness die.

I won't let this build up inside of me,
John won't let his sadness swallow him, so he hunts.

I won't let this build up inside of me,
Dean won't let his father be bury himself literally by this hunt, so he stays for his family.

I won't let this build up inside of me.
Sam can't let himself be lost in this family that lives for a memory, so he leaves for a Mary.


A catch in my throat,
Remember when Dean was 4 and he didn't speak for a year?

Choke,
Remember when Sam got his letter from Stanford?

Torn into pieces,
Remember the day when John stopped answering his phone and left Sam and Dean with coordinates and never an answer?

I won't,
no,
I don't want to be this,

They didn't want to be. But they were. And now, nothing can stop them, no demons, no angels, no death, no god, and not even themselves.

But I won't let this build up inside of me,
I won't let this build up inside of me,
I won't let this build up inside of me,
I won't let this build up inside of me.
Pause. Play. Repeat. Rewind. Fast Forward.
No matter what song they sing, it's still the same, right Dean van Halen? Change the present, Change the future, but you can't really change the past.

She isn't real,
I can't make her real.
She isn't real,
I can't make her real.
They can't make her alive, even when they killed the Demon - Mary's murder...it's revenge right? But is it worth it? Is it worth it? Are their FUBAR lives worth the freakin bullet to the head of that freakin yellow-eyed-demon? Mary, maybe she can answer that.


Yeah, Im a bit obsessed too. But it's a good obsession. kinda

Dedicate This

One day, when we feel like everything we've done is all for nothing we have to remember that the feeling of not having done anything is a worse thing to feel.

I keep saying to myself that being addicted is having a negative impact in my already wretched life. But, hey, I'm an optimist. I see the bad parts and understand them while observing the good parts and accepting them, imitate them if possible. I watch so much anime and my general realization is 'being dead sucks'. Also those we who are still alive and breathing should do everything in our power to live our life to the fullest and not regret a single action or inaction in our life. Life I think is an addiction.

And nowadays my addiction is Jensen Ackles. His characters. His movies. His Tv Series. His quotes and all. I have learned and relearned various things just watching and addicting to the SUPERNATURAL series of his. Now, I won't make this post another 10 things, well maybe next time. But the point is that not all of this (this being surfing the net for thousands of fanfics, pics and vids - pulling all nighters - missing meals - forgetting to pass papers - in priority of things related to J.A.) not all of this is wasteful energy and pointless mental exercise.

So, Jensen Ackles memorable roles:

Alex Mcdowell / X5 494
also as Ben / X5 493 in Dark Angel

Jason Teague in Smallville

Dean Winchester in Supernatural

Tom Welling in My Bloody Valentine

Priestly in Ten-inch Hero



There really is no stopping me now. I made this pic on Picasa 3. Edited it to look like picture collage. Yey, lookie!

The Death of the Roaches

The Cockroaches, not Pacman's coach.

I abso-friggin-lutly hate those effin cockroaches.

To their death and subsequent extinction, I post this list of


FIVE POINT LIST ON
HOW TO KILL A COCKROACH

PART 1

1. Capture it alive and put it in an empty plastic water bottle. Put a small hole and proceed to fill the bottle with every toxic substances you can get your hands on - granted that it wouldn't kill you too. I suggest, substances that are slow reactants - those that kill slowly but painfully. Experiment and get creative. Place the bottle somewhere you can see and if bored shake it and feel all your troubles go away.

2. Pin it at the wall or floor with pins. Use it as a dart target and acupuncture it until it doesn't move.

3. Use a hammer. Or a shotgun. Even a home made bomb if you will.

4. Capture it alive and send it to North Korea.

5. Tie it to a chair and make it listen as you read your Debate and Argumentation book. It'll die of blood loss due to nose bleeding or internal haemorrhage sooner or later.

This'll be the end of PART I.
To Be Continued...

When The Case Hits Home

SUPERNATURALLY ADDICTED

I was about to bash my skull into the keyboards, now, you know why? Of course you don't..it's cause I'm freakin addicted to SUPERNATURAL.

It's not that bad, really, i just have almost 500 (and counting) fanfictions and hundreds of icons and pictures, screen caps, epsisode promos, behind the scenes, even videos of interviews, gag reels and bloopers. Now, if only I can rise from my self-imposed perdition and actually write my papers, all would be well.

Sadly, I announce to the whole anonymous audience of the Internet that most of my grades this 1st sem has turned to letters. Yeah. Horrible, I know. But I won't let it stay that way for too long. I don't get to watch Sam n Dean reading and researching and all that stuff without learning anything can't I?

To give proper (depending on whose point of view) justification of the hours I spent upon anything Supernatural-ly; I now present this 10 point list of ...

(drum roll pls)

WHAT I LEARNED FROM SUPERNATURAL

1. You don't give your nine year old son a 45 because when said nine year old grow up it will run away to study Law at Stanford.

2. I learned how much I hate hospitals.

3. I learned how much I am taking my life for granted.

4. I learned how much I love cars, guns, and research.

5. You shouldn't go around getting pinned to the ceiling and burning in front of your family.

6. You shouldn't go around saving people and hunting things while leaving your sons to fend for themselves at a young age.

7. I learned how to spot a concussion and that stitches hurt.

8. I learned how to love Latin (again).

9. I learned how to stop trying to die and to just live how I believe.

10. You shouldn't give your (possessed) only little brother a gun, loaded or not, because no matter what you have done for him, he will shoot... more than once.


uhm..explanations, are they really necessary?

So, whether or not, I'll try.



1. This one is about Sam and how a young child wishing a normal life is pushed into the destined life of the paranormal. Yet he doesn't let destiny shape his own life, heck, he doesn't even let his brother or father dictate him, he abandoned the 'family business' and lived his own life. For at least four years.

2. The number of times I read either of the brothers imprisoned in a hospital (mostly..it's Dean) and their conditions as to merit hospital treatment. It's like, they have to lie low and everything and anything that's not life threatening enough is treated back at their crappy motel rooms. They don't get to go to hospitals unless there's multiple broken ribs (broken ribs are fine), broken bones (dislocated joints are manually fixed), lacerations that looks more like eviscerations -meaning wounds so deep you can see the internal organs (wounds an inch deep are scratches for them Winchesters). And yeah, hospital sometimes mean that, it's so bad it's probably dying - bad.

3. Seriously? The amount of catharsis in Dean, Sam and John (even Mary's) is so tragic it made me appreciate my 'apple pie life more'. First off, Mary was raised as a hunter, didn't enjoy much of a normal life until she was married to normal John. But she was killed by a demon when her oldest son was 4 and her youngest just 6 months old. John, a former Marine, had to live a life obsessed with killing the demon who murdered his wife and in the process alienated his sons to what should have been called a proper childhood. Sam never experienced his mother's love, his father's more interested in hunting and protecting him from evil to actually be there and be a father for him and his older brother is so wrapped up in hero worshipping their father that it's Sam who has to go and find a decent life for himself, which takes him away from the family business but not away from his family.

4. One word: Impala. The '67 Chevy Impala is awesome and I wish I could drive or at least know what parts a cars has cause sometimes I feel like Dean is like, married to the car or something, calling it 'baby' and talking to it...makes me jealous. LOL.
Two Words: Sawed-off Shotgun. Hey, it's tecnically two words right? So, I got this hands-on firing drill on my first year ROTC and that was the day I fell in love with guns. Almost didn't put the gun down, even if I didn't even hit a circle in my target. Lol.
...n Words: Busty Asian Beauties dot com is not a research site, DEAN!

5. Because it's not really Mary's fault that she died, but *** if it wasn't the reason her family's in this crap right now. John and Dean and Sam went to hell and out, in that order.

6. Because I know John is a good father but it's a rare sometimes that it isn't enogh to compensate what went wrong to Sam n Dean's life (and deaths).

7. Concussion is present when patient is getting cross-eyed, snarky and hallucinating graboids under the mattresses. Having to stitch 17 stitches unto your own person, tell me, how does that not hurt?

8. Sometimes omnia vincit veritas doesn't cut it. And I would really like to memorize the Pater Noster and attend a fully Latin Mass and you do know I'm gonna teach myself Latin no matter how hard it is. I'm content to just qoute the demon exorcising latin spell work from supernatural now though.

9. Because Dean got to die a hundred and plus ways and he didn't stay dead. Sam also but the point is that when you exist, you should try your darnest to fight, live and love for your existence not resign to the fact that we shall all die. Dying is an obligation but Living is a Privilege. Live.

10. Nah, just a continuation of how wrong and unfair life is. But even then, you have to know that, you cannot RISE if you have not FALLEN. You cannot correct yourself when you have not made a mistake. And you cannot die when you have not been living.

Living is different from existing.





Somehow, sometimes, I wish that I can stop and pause and rewind my life...don't you?

Why is Anagram not an anagram?

....currently eating nissin WAFERS...

while my supposedly study partner lies sleeping in the bed beside me. I said to our matron that I'm working on my paper but really I was just surfing the FB and researching some. I'm gonna work on it after...yamato nadeshiko shichihenge.

i'm researching the different legal forms and documents on the net. Really this things are interesting and funny if you have the right humor, or the wrong one. It's just so complicated and simple at the same time that it pains me to say that i cannot still make one without a guideline or format to copy.



oops. almost forgot that this is supposed to be a "visual artist's" page now. So i uploaded that pic up there which is a wallpaper that i made (1280x800) instead of typing a paper due Monday. aaaanyways, let's have some fun day.

it's already day because it's almost 1 and im still up. I know I had a busy day, but who wants to know? certainly not you, of course. SO, would you like to have a life, but can't? Would you like to have all that you want and desire and need? Would you like to spend the rest of your life in peaceful solitude? Or would you like to die here and now?

You don't need to answer those questions and you don't even need to read them. But I just want to make a point. POINT.

POINT.

Life is short. It's so short that the realization of it's shortness had almost led me to a depression. Life, i thought, is so short, that mine is so insignificant and so worthless and all but why do i continue living? Life, i thought, is supposed to be lived, not the way you want it, not the way your parents want it, not the way your lover want it, not even how God want it. I say this not because I'm an atheist or a pagan, but because I believe in freewill and in choice and in life. But do YOU believe in life? That life is so short to be wasted on trifles and trivialities. I do not acknowledge birthdays...know why? because they signify that you are closer and closer to death's door. And i do not like to be reminded in such an ironic manner like a birthday party. I just plainly hate birthday parties...especially mine.

So, i just feel like im really really wasting my life and i hope you don't feel or do it. I have regretted things that i should have done and shouldn't have, so please you shouldn't be like little ol' me. LIVE life. Because if there's one thing Anime taught me that is universally moral and can be uttered in public without embarrassment that is that: Life is SHORT. as short as a tear drop. as short as a fly's wing. as short as a whisper in the dark. as short as a sigh of a dying man. as short as a kiss of goodbye and as short as a laugh of sorrow.

all of us, we will die, but let's not forget to live and cry, laugh and smile for life is not about what you are doing, but what have you done.

The Zombie Days

I want to say that my happiness does not depend on other people. I know what my happiness is (most of the time) and PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!! PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Would you people just let me be happy!

I don't want people to like me. I don't need people to hate me. I don't need people to do anything except not to do something that i don't like. In short don't please intervene with my own businesses. When I don't like something I really don't like it. When I say I hate cockroaches...I hate them to the point of killing one on site, preferably killing it slowly, violently and painfully. Now, when I say I don't like my fly-away hair, I really don't like it to the point that I will forget that I have a hair like that and imagine myself bald as I walk the street.

I really don't like it. I really don't like it. I really don't like it.

Everytime it comes in view, my heart palpitates with annoyance and anger in split nanosecond before I remember that I am bald (i wish).

And to someone out there who knows, please don't brush my hair in fly-away style. PLEASE!!! Really really please. I'd rather you punch and stab me rather than have my flyaway hair be brushed to be more fly awayier. Please don't do that.

Anyways, I wrote my Fb Page on this Blog as a Visual Artist. I don't want to say that I am not a writer, we all write. But I only consider myself as a Visual Artist more rather than Writer.

Whereas, I want to have my say that in this room full of nursing majors that i once found advantageous, I feel like im being driven to a corner where 'idiots sit here' are spray-painted.

People of the Philippines who are my classmates, I want to say that inside my room, the nursing major are face on books night and day and even on sleep. I mean that they read, they make reviewer, they DISCUSS what they study and they get good grades. Sometimes, they cry when they get 1.5 or 1.75, claiming it too low.

Can you people get it? Compare it to our glorious Course of Political Science and Public Administration? We all know what happens, is happening, had happened...and i don't have to elaborate it here. ew.

So, I had wanted for sometime now to study...seriously study. I joined the CAS COUNCIL precisely because it is full of work and activities and events. I want to be busy. Being bored and unpreocuppied is painful and bad for my physical as well as mental health. When I have lots of work to do, I do it much better and much faster. That's what I know. But other people just won't believe me in this, when im the one who knows the best cause it's my own self we are talking about here.

Whenever I don't sleep at night, I really don't want to sleep because of a reason, and that reason is valid enough, important enough to warrant me not sleeping. I just don't like having people talk to me about it like it's a crime for me to do that. And then force me to eating menudo and rice when I don't want to eat. Ehem Ehem.

The only thing that bugs me the most aside from my happiness being hampered is regretting something that I didn't do that I wished I had. There are many many things I wished I had done for this and that and I can't now. It's all in the past. So I - we just have to accept the past and do everything in our power to have a better future.

I'm just gonna end it here with some wacko love confession from ch. 81 of Ouran Highcshool Host Club.

I love you.
*SHOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!
Sorry I didn't hear you, what did you say?
NO! that was nothing important.
Did you just say you love me?
Wait, if you really heard it...
WAH~~! HIKARU!!! Haruhi is saying that she loves me what should I do!!!!
Don't scream another person's name when someone confesses their love to you!
Confession?...*dies*
I'm sorry, just forget it, I didn't mean to kill you.
WAIT! Me...Me Too!
...'me too? are you just saying you love yourself, too?
under these circumstances, why am i supposed to act like a narcissist? don't you love me?
i didn't say i love, i just said that maybe i could love you.
why are you lying so blatantly?
BECAUSE YOU'RE A BIG IDIOT! ...that's why i don't know if i love you anymore...

For Hope and Those Without

My scars are scabbing and they are annoyingly itchy.

It's so fun to be evil and so sad to be one at the same time.


I have to say, last night I just had a Revelation. I missed almost one week and counting of school that I tried to remember what is it I miss about it. School, you know. I thought about it and remembered, the most I thought about of school is studying. Well, that'll be normal, but then of course everyday I go to school the most dillema I - fashion wise - is the big question of: WHAT WILL I DO WHEN MY SHOES ARE UNTIED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD? and that's about it.

The mental path of one as silly as me, from missing school to fashion disasters. I could hardly call it that, cause personally, I feel it's not what normal teenagers would nominate as fashion disasters. Really, I see them, at school, everyday, those people who wears make up, wears high heels, hairs done you'd think it was saloned. I don't particularly hate them. It's just their 'way of life' is ---difficult. For me, that is. And especially if people force me to it. I still get nightmares from that *doll shoes* event.

After that rant, I'm really glad to say that I'm getting well soon. Very soon. I'm listening to My Chemical Romanance, Linkin Park, and various other J-rock/J-pop. My mood is lifting up. I also read the Defense Devil newest chapter, LOL, is it really surprising that the two main character's Fight to the Death was a battle of Rock-Paper-Scissors???

O, btw, the title refers to my friend, yeah, that one. She's awfully stubborn and annoyingly cute. We don't know what to do with her. She's impossible. She's the type to lecture everyone and then does everything the opposite of what she advices people. Hell, it's like when you talk to her your conversation goes round and round. In order for you to see her point and for her to see your point, blood must be shed, i think. I hope it doesn't lead to such violence, our conversations are fun and witty at the most but-it's just so hard when serious things are considered. It feels like falling in Alice's rabbit hole down, down down to Wonderland.

I once read something that goes like this: regrets are from expecting, but you can never have regrets when you are hoping.

Is it true?

Is it really?

This week, I did not go to school so that I will properly and completely be healed from chicken pox. (It's so that I can have more time for my chicken pox scars to heal and for my friends not to be infected also.) I also have TOO MUCH TIME in my hand and head that I surf the net all day long. With nobody around. With food stocks all in my reach. It feels so peaceful and heavenly, this is my type of environment.

But this week I dub the CALM BEFORE THE STORM.

Why? Because my increasingly paranoid instincts tell me that hell will fall down on me like angry Twilight fans. Next week is the schedule for most of my major subjects. All my handouts are at my dorm, i haven't got anything to study here. I also have to face the cas council and the special events I am co-handling without trainor and without members and without practice. I know I'm just being paranoid, but i can't help it! My academic persona is panicking while my lazy persona is rejoicing!

I can not give hope to those without, for I am also searching.