Tragic it seems, to be alone again

Guruguruguru*


Will you, walk me
To the edge again
Shaking, lonely, and I am drinking again
Woke up tonight and no one's here with me

Insomnia, great, that's just what I need. Had a creepy dream. Woke up to Linkin Park and Adema's Giving In.

Take me under
(I'm killing all the pain)
I'm dying tonight
(i'm sick of all this pain)
Watch me crumble

You get the idea. Basically it's just weird stuff.

So, a toast to the world. Cause I'm taking it. My life I mean. Raise a glass and down a shot. You feel you can take the world but of course you can. May you make it your own. You know what you want and social constructs are the fences you have to jump over. Otherwise, it'll keep you imprisoned in your own little world, collecting frustrations and insecurities like a hobby. Destroy yourself to fit the world or take life and make your own.

There are some pretty questionable life questions that I want to ask right now. Like if Romney and Obama agrees to most of what the other says in implementing policies, in leaderships and such - what's the difference in voting between them then? 

How unfair it is for Filipino candidates engaged in early campaigning are just exercising their "freedom of expression" while it's been approved in a bill that posting opinions on the internet against these persons may be grounds for "libel"?

How do people without fandom live their lives? Oh, wait, because they actually have one.

When will Supernatural end? I need my life back now please.

When monsters die they end up in Purgatory but where do they go when they are kiled in Purgatory?

Why haven't I put Xcode in my Dash again?

What's the use of being a Time Lord when there's such things as Time Locks?



I'm not self-studying on coding and graphic designing because of the job. I'm doing it because I love it. Because it's something I'm actually a bit good at. 

"What are you talking about? 

I'm a a joy to be around."

-Dean Winchester

"Yeah? The dirty socks in the sink? 

Your food in the fridge?"

-Sam Winchester

"I like it."

-Jerk

"It's not food anymore, Dean!

It's Darwinism!"

- Bitch

Evil is evil in itself. But people who believe that they are doing the right thing are more dangerous than people who knows that what they might be doing is wrong. Because, in the quest to succeed people with the right intentions might resort to all means necessary and they won't stop because they think they are doing this not for something like a greater good. Like they're sacrificing. But people who may consider the wrongfulness of their action are aware that they might be mistaken and stop. 

So I ask, which is better - the person who are doing evil, bad things but doesn't stop because they think they are good and what they are doing is right or the person who knows that what they are doing is wrong, feels guilty about it, acknowledges the need to make up for it but still continues to do it?

Or maybe I should have asked which one is worse.

Now I realize - the depth of the influence of social media in one's life is directly related to his or her popularity. The more popular you are the less time you have to be in the social media sites but you are being talked about in on them. But people with less social life hence a handful number of close friends hence lesser popularity will be on these sites and most of the time talking about the popular people more than the time the popular people have to read all of them posts.

I'm just saying the key to successful and happy life is to take the opportunities given to you and treat events in your life as blessings or turn them into advantages. 

*Am prone to making weird noises when bored to death or  scare to death

The Beautiful Lie (or Not)

The Dream I had, it felt so real
When I woke up, i thought i was dreaming




I told you, SLEEP and ME? We have a love-hate, on-off and really rocky relationship.

My playlist is screaming Metallica one second and then crooning some Hush Sound the next. Headphones in each ear, it's really escape. Escape from distractions - as i would likely tell anyone who'd ask...or Escape from reality - this is what emo people do, and emo i am not. Well, not anymore, i guess. Let's see, Locked Up from Ingrid Michaelson is my favorite song right the f now.

But for Dean, it's THAT's OKAY by The Hush Sound. Okay, here's how it goes...

You were a child who was made of glass.

You carried a black heart passed down from your dad.

You want to go back to where you felt safe,

To hear your brother's laughter,

See your mother's face.

Your childhood home is just powder-white bones

And you'll never find your way back.

--spn again, lol, just can't resist

I think the PolSci people can be the major reason of deforestation and global warming...what with all the printing of papers and the hotheatedness of the people in the world nowadays.

This is a 'wild world' as cat stevens says and 'it's hard to get by just upon a smile'. So couple that smile with hard work. Just like how Sam and Dean does it. No matter what shit life throws at them, they get up, stand, fight and move along. They don't just miraculously solve hunts and cases just by being them - they research, they interview witness, they do recon, they had a lifetime of training put to good use and their lives are difficult, but they survive. Broken but alive nonetheless.

I won't let my 'normal' life be a waste now that i know people sacrificed to work hard for this life. No, 'm not talking about Sam n Dean. 'M talking about those everyday-- you know, the jeepney driver, trisikad driver, waitress, teacher, paper-pusher in some office, moms and dads...you know the people you rely on without which you'd have a life you'd never want.

I know, how lucky i am. I would like to express my appreciation.

On the Flip Side

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what i'm about to say...


Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only things that's worse than one is none

There's too much and too little.

I'm supposed to type sentimental crap about life and all that. Everything's changed. But everything's the same. It really is.

What I'm really amused at is how my lil brother won't believe that i'm on my fourth year and should (probably) graduate soon. My life is so full of supernatural it's not even funny anymore

Dean: Oh come on, it's a little bit funny.

Ok, take stock. My music ranges from classic, classic rock, rock metal, psychedelic rock, and weird piano songies. I'm itching to cut my hair but not until the "Prom". Finishing my papers, i have this feeling of "they are lovely dear, thank you" with all this papers our teachers dumped at us before the vacation. Surprise, surprise...i'm not finished with 'em yet. Memento mori.

The sun is screaming against antipathy...my? yours? OURS?

The moon whispers that he knows, he knows, he knows and it whispers the lie that everyone knows to ...everything's gonna be alright.

All these amazing stories i'm reading, all this fanfictions...they're all more or less AWESOME.

Life is beautiful and we need to have fun. Do everything we can to live our life right now because later may not come or tomorrow might be a never.

At peace and loving life, we need to embrace ourselves and dream for ourselves.

Who would catch our dreams if we don't chase for it ourselves?

EPIPHANY IN A JEEPNEY - quisque comoedus est -

Everybody sure is a comedian.





Tailspinning. Never really knew the word until now. It's the columns of unread books and half-filled notes in a corner of your room. It's the random stuff pushed to the side on your cabinet-slash-table where you are typing this post. It's the echoes in your head of 'duty: in the morning' and 'duty: in the afternoon' hoping you never sleep so you can't be late. It's the paradox of feeling hungry and yet feeling nauseous at the same time. It's the promises, it's the responsibilities, it's the work that isn't really work that's getting me. It pulls me down, feels like I just discovered gravity.

On this OJT, god, in this ojt, I learned amazing things I wouldn't dream about. I learned how people are good, i learned how people are caring, i learned how people are. People are just people. And I also learned how to, as they say, roll with the punches. Because, really, you can't go on with life without suppressing your weakness and fighting against it. Because life. Life is not about you. It's not about how you avoid the pain you know will come. It's not about how you seek for the happiness you think will have. It's about living and fighting and being you AGAINST-and or-WITH people (-you love/-you hate/you don't care about) on a world that keeps trying to kill you.

I have a strange suspicion that the World is trying to kill us all. And we can't let it get to us.

Moving on, what I meant to say was - to maintain a balance between - this is important, ok - a midpoint between CARING and NOT CARING. Because caring too much for something will end in disappointment and frustration while totally not caring gets you this hollow feeling and a sense of worthlessness. I'm speaking from experience here kids.

This tailspinning thing is gonna get worse. I'm having aches in places I didn't even had an itch before. Aaand, before I got to a nonstop whining mode I just want to say that maybe, I'm just feeling this because It's the first time since ever that I had to work so hard. Yep. Probably. I figured that maybe I had some ridiculously good karma on one of my past life and no matter what I do here, something keeps fixing my life back. I hope I can help more actively and properly in maintaining the life that I am living or better yet the life that I should be living.

Epiphany on a jeepney is like getting high.

My music ranges from Metallica to Kelly Clarkson to Chopin. Seriously, it's Supernatural's fault. - - - - and here I thought i would have a no-Supernatural post. tsk.tsk.tsk. Glee? what's that? no. I'm not getting addicted to Glee. Nope. nah. Nuh-uh.

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore,
is not an act but a habit.
Aristotle

For eighteen years of your life you never wanted more than this. Yet when you look back and think ahead you wished you wished for everything and anything. Not this, not the cast iron on your shoulder, the shackles on your feet, the blindfolds in your eyes, the nails in your head and certainly not this hole in your chest.

ARE THESE FOR REAL?

You’re so hypnotizing
Could you be the devil
Could you be an angel

Your touch magnetizing
Feels like I am floating
Leaves my body glowing

They say be afraid
You’re not like the others
Futuristic lover
Different DNA
They don’t understand you

Your from a whole other world
A different dimension
You open my eyes
And I’m ready to go
Lead me into the light

Katy Perry – E.T. Lyrics

When I got lyrics of a Katy Perry song on repeat on my head - that's when I know that the APOCALYPSE is coming.

A world of perfect bliss....i don't ever want to go away from here. never. never. never. never. never. and never into infinity.

I would like to say that my obsession with SUPERNATURAL is reaching alarming levels. Like a double edged sword, there are times that it inspires me to continue living but there are times it constricts and hinders my life. There has never been such a great dilemma in my life - to love or not to love...spn...that is the *real* question.

You know what? I miss my anime songs, i miss the times where i have the time where i can write and draw and oh god -drawing. Feel like I've been living in a half-life state and the is-this-real sense.

*will edit8

The Psychology of the Psychotic

anthropomorphism n. Attribution of human motivation, characteristics, or behavior to inanimate objects, animals, or natural phenomena ...

As per usual, I am wasting my time reading fanfiction and not studying. But I'll get right on that. Because, believe it or not, I am paying attention in classes right now.

Oh, why shouldn't people be nice and good without secretly being evil - for a change? There's nothing as frustrating as wanting to do something but facing hindrance by something out of your own power. Like, when you know you can do something but you can't because it's not your decision to make whether that something should be assigned to you. And...you end up with a craptastic job that you don't know, don't like and that you hate. It's just like making a mistake - and enrolling in a different college course than the one you'd like and suffering through four years of torture. Studying; things you'd rather puke at than read. Not having time for your own interest; because you have to 'study'. Makes me wonder whether the public/private educational system is a boon or a bane.

You're right Ariane, "Education could ruin our common sense." Charm, stop being so pessimistic about yourself and just DO it and stop overthinking about things. Ivy, I understand how it is...reading true-to-life story should be good or Jan Kooiman's book will do.

There are crazies out there in the world. We can't let ourselves be distracted from life itself. Even if we know how FUBAR it is. Breathing and Living it we have the choice to be...to exist and define that existence. Or would you rather drown yourself in depression in thinking about needless, unproductive thoughts?

I think, sometimes, that the Apocalypse is coming. Or starting, whatever. Just read the Revelations or the newspapers - it's the same trite predictions of the symbolic four horsemen's advent. Ooh...better yet, you can watch Supernatural. That'll be taking it over the top.

My mind is focused if I am interested in what I am doing and am willing to waste time in doing it and that I can persuade myself that I am not wasting my time in taking time to do it. Also, I'd be proud of myself if I can make a blog post without a reference to Supernatural. I would really. Except, it won't be interesting to read ramblings of a half-sane creature about things like Post-Modernism, Consumerism, US Intervention, Philippine Military's Modernization, Bussiness and Technology, and the uprisings in the Arab States this 2011.

My sister's a weirdo. 'Bakit ka palagi kang ganyan?' Madali uminit ang ulo.

BURN. Fire Burn

God bless us everyone
We're a broken people living under loaded gun
And it can't be outfoght
It can't be outdone
It can't out matched
It can't be outrun

And here I thought we were through.

When I close my eyes, ask me what I see. I see everything there is to see, only there's something black covering it. Well, anyways, again...here I am.

I'm listening to Slipknot's Vermillion pt.2 Here, listen to it to...



Yeah, I heard this from my playlist long, long ago, when I was just a highschooler and i was kinda...you know, a teenager. Or something. Yeah, I was weird then and I'd like to thing I'm weirder now. I talk a lot to myself now, I sing a lot more songs now, I read (not a lot) but boring sleep-inducing polsci handouts now and it's a great miracle that I haven't committed suicide yet. I think now that Im *cough* eighteen *cough* I should be more mature, right? right? riiight.

But making an analytical meta of Vermillion pt. 2 in relation to Supernatural's Winchester is being mature right? right? riiight.

VERMILLION (part 2)_ SLIPKNOT

She seemed dressed in all of me,
stretched across my shame.
This is for John Winchester, the father - the husband, who lost his wife in that dreadful hell fire. I would like to think that this refers to John's dreams of Mary, the Mary in his mind being as beautiful as that fateful night, remembering almost all the minutae details about it, to Mary's clohes and her hair and the fire. But it's the rebuke that echoes in John's sense. Maybe Mary talks to him or maybe she just looks at him, either way the life that the Winchester Family lives now - as hunters - are really a cause for Mary's sadness. Mary wouldn't want this for her sons, for her husband, for her family.


All the torments and the pain,
leak through and covered me.
During, before and we all know there is no after in John's life as a hunter and as a father and as an avenging widow. It speaks for himself, his scars and his sons, of the pain he feels and everything that has happened.

I'd do anything to have her to myself,
just to have her for myself.
'Killing that demon comes before everything.' John once told Sam. But he was wrong, he should know, because family comes before everything. This was what he knows when there was Mary, this was what he taught Dean when there wasn't a Mary anymore, and this was what Dean told Sam - not through words maybe but through actions that defy any explanations but the reason that 'family comes before everything'. John became so obsessed at getting revenge for Mary that he lost sight of the most important thing: his family.


Now I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad.
Before the red haze of revenge clouding John's eyes, all he does and all he ever thinks is hunt, The Hunt. And that isn't right. But it's lost to him now.


She is everything to me, the unrequited dream,
the song that no one sings, the unattainable.
This one's for Dean, for the Mary that Dean remembers and loves. The mother that Sam never had and the wife that John is wallowing in, Dean's Mary is something that holds him to the ground and gives him strength. To be strong for himself, to be strong for his family and to be strong for everyone.
'I think about it everyday.' Dean Winchester, S1, Ep3


She's a myth that I have to believe in,
all I need to make it real is one more reason.
This one's for Sam, because he never had Mary, never felt a mother's love, and hugs and kiss and tasted a sandwich made by his mother. So in justifying the life they are living, why Dad is so obsessed in hunting, why Dean just follows everything Dad says, why Sam has to endure everything...Sam needs Mary as a reason too, but it's hard because Sam never knew her, never seen her, never had her. So he left and searched for his own Mary.

I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad.

The Winchesters don't know what to do.


But I won't let this build up inside of me,
They can't let this sadness die.

I won't let this build up inside of me,
John won't let his sadness swallow him, so he hunts.

I won't let this build up inside of me,
Dean won't let his father be bury himself literally by this hunt, so he stays for his family.

I won't let this build up inside of me.
Sam can't let himself be lost in this family that lives for a memory, so he leaves for a Mary.


A catch in my throat,
Remember when Dean was 4 and he didn't speak for a year?

Choke,
Remember when Sam got his letter from Stanford?

Torn into pieces,
Remember the day when John stopped answering his phone and left Sam and Dean with coordinates and never an answer?

I won't,
no,
I don't want to be this,

They didn't want to be. But they were. And now, nothing can stop them, no demons, no angels, no death, no god, and not even themselves.

But I won't let this build up inside of me,
I won't let this build up inside of me,
I won't let this build up inside of me,
I won't let this build up inside of me.
Pause. Play. Repeat. Rewind. Fast Forward.
No matter what song they sing, it's still the same, right Dean van Halen? Change the present, Change the future, but you can't really change the past.

She isn't real,
I can't make her real.
She isn't real,
I can't make her real.
They can't make her alive, even when they killed the Demon - Mary's murder...it's revenge right? But is it worth it? Is it worth it? Are their FUBAR lives worth the freakin bullet to the head of that freakin yellow-eyed-demon? Mary, maybe she can answer that.


Yeah, Im a bit obsessed too. But it's a good obsession. kinda

When The Case Hits Home

SUPERNATURALLY ADDICTED

I was about to bash my skull into the keyboards, now, you know why? Of course you don't..it's cause I'm freakin addicted to SUPERNATURAL.

It's not that bad, really, i just have almost 500 (and counting) fanfictions and hundreds of icons and pictures, screen caps, epsisode promos, behind the scenes, even videos of interviews, gag reels and bloopers. Now, if only I can rise from my self-imposed perdition and actually write my papers, all would be well.

Sadly, I announce to the whole anonymous audience of the Internet that most of my grades this 1st sem has turned to letters. Yeah. Horrible, I know. But I won't let it stay that way for too long. I don't get to watch Sam n Dean reading and researching and all that stuff without learning anything can't I?

To give proper (depending on whose point of view) justification of the hours I spent upon anything Supernatural-ly; I now present this 10 point list of ...

(drum roll pls)

WHAT I LEARNED FROM SUPERNATURAL

1. You don't give your nine year old son a 45 because when said nine year old grow up it will run away to study Law at Stanford.

2. I learned how much I hate hospitals.

3. I learned how much I am taking my life for granted.

4. I learned how much I love cars, guns, and research.

5. You shouldn't go around getting pinned to the ceiling and burning in front of your family.

6. You shouldn't go around saving people and hunting things while leaving your sons to fend for themselves at a young age.

7. I learned how to spot a concussion and that stitches hurt.

8. I learned how to love Latin (again).

9. I learned how to stop trying to die and to just live how I believe.

10. You shouldn't give your (possessed) only little brother a gun, loaded or not, because no matter what you have done for him, he will shoot... more than once.


uhm..explanations, are they really necessary?

So, whether or not, I'll try.



1. This one is about Sam and how a young child wishing a normal life is pushed into the destined life of the paranormal. Yet he doesn't let destiny shape his own life, heck, he doesn't even let his brother or father dictate him, he abandoned the 'family business' and lived his own life. For at least four years.

2. The number of times I read either of the brothers imprisoned in a hospital (mostly..it's Dean) and their conditions as to merit hospital treatment. It's like, they have to lie low and everything and anything that's not life threatening enough is treated back at their crappy motel rooms. They don't get to go to hospitals unless there's multiple broken ribs (broken ribs are fine), broken bones (dislocated joints are manually fixed), lacerations that looks more like eviscerations -meaning wounds so deep you can see the internal organs (wounds an inch deep are scratches for them Winchesters). And yeah, hospital sometimes mean that, it's so bad it's probably dying - bad.

3. Seriously? The amount of catharsis in Dean, Sam and John (even Mary's) is so tragic it made me appreciate my 'apple pie life more'. First off, Mary was raised as a hunter, didn't enjoy much of a normal life until she was married to normal John. But she was killed by a demon when her oldest son was 4 and her youngest just 6 months old. John, a former Marine, had to live a life obsessed with killing the demon who murdered his wife and in the process alienated his sons to what should have been called a proper childhood. Sam never experienced his mother's love, his father's more interested in hunting and protecting him from evil to actually be there and be a father for him and his older brother is so wrapped up in hero worshipping their father that it's Sam who has to go and find a decent life for himself, which takes him away from the family business but not away from his family.

4. One word: Impala. The '67 Chevy Impala is awesome and I wish I could drive or at least know what parts a cars has cause sometimes I feel like Dean is like, married to the car or something, calling it 'baby' and talking to it...makes me jealous. LOL.
Two Words: Sawed-off Shotgun. Hey, it's tecnically two words right? So, I got this hands-on firing drill on my first year ROTC and that was the day I fell in love with guns. Almost didn't put the gun down, even if I didn't even hit a circle in my target. Lol.
...n Words: Busty Asian Beauties dot com is not a research site, DEAN!

5. Because it's not really Mary's fault that she died, but *** if it wasn't the reason her family's in this crap right now. John and Dean and Sam went to hell and out, in that order.

6. Because I know John is a good father but it's a rare sometimes that it isn't enogh to compensate what went wrong to Sam n Dean's life (and deaths).

7. Concussion is present when patient is getting cross-eyed, snarky and hallucinating graboids under the mattresses. Having to stitch 17 stitches unto your own person, tell me, how does that not hurt?

8. Sometimes omnia vincit veritas doesn't cut it. And I would really like to memorize the Pater Noster and attend a fully Latin Mass and you do know I'm gonna teach myself Latin no matter how hard it is. I'm content to just qoute the demon exorcising latin spell work from supernatural now though.

9. Because Dean got to die a hundred and plus ways and he didn't stay dead. Sam also but the point is that when you exist, you should try your darnest to fight, live and love for your existence not resign to the fact that we shall all die. Dying is an obligation but Living is a Privilege. Live.

10. Nah, just a continuation of how wrong and unfair life is. But even then, you have to know that, you cannot RISE if you have not FALLEN. You cannot correct yourself when you have not made a mistake. And you cannot die when you have not been living.

Living is different from existing.





Somehow, sometimes, I wish that I can stop and pause and rewind my life...don't you?