{{ Breaker, Breaker }}------it never ends

"Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true

If you can understand the me, than I can understand the you"

-The Unforgiven II, METALLICA

I was never one of those people who see themselves first. It's not that I'm self-less, it's just that I don't - I didn't care. I didn't care what I want. I didn't care what you want. What I need or what you need. It's just that it never got to my head to care before. I was a pampered SOB. That was then. And I lived life now, no matter how much I resent - I don't regret...much. House chores are house chores, they aren't much responsibility and may as well be taken care of by a 10 year old. In fact, some do. And I am way past 10 years old. Responsibilities are bothersome but they are the lifeblood that pumps purpose in the otherwise useless existence of human beings. Responsibilities are a bitch sometimes, but they are needed so as to survive this ---- world. Put your own adjective to describe it, I wouldn't want to destroy your idealism (or whatever is left of it). I'm just saying that I was avoiding responsibilities like the plague before. Now I realize I'm wrong and I'm sorry and I have to make it right. By accepting responsibilities - yeah, even by seeking responsibilities - I can practice what I know of leadership and life in general, also one of the best way to determine your capability and/or extent of skills and potential. Because of this, I am afraid, hell, I will be lying if i say I am not. However, really this responsibilities heaping on my shoulders are a bit abrupt and I am afraid I may not reach expectations but I am trying and doing and trying and doing again. I am stretching my atrophied muscles and "going out of my comfort zone" so as to speak. I do not want regrets. If inevitably I do have regrets, may it be regret from doing something and not being enough ~ instead of a regret from not doing something. Terrible, terrible frustration and regret it is to feel, the regret of doing nothing. A regret that have followed my footsteps and shadowed for years and that which I am determined to stop. now.


Mama - Metallica ~~~ Mama she has taught me well Told me when I was young Son, your life's an open book Don't close it fore it's done The brigtest flame burns quickest Is what I heard they say A son's heart's owned to mother But I must find my way *Let my heart go Let your son grow Mama let your heart go Or let this heart be still


**Never I ask you
But never I gave
But you gave me your emptiness
I now take to my grave
Never I ask of you
But never I gave
But you gave me your emptiness
I now take to my grave
So let this heart be still
(favorite part)

Last last day. It rain at sunset and the scene outside was washed out sepia. It was awesome. I love everyday and everything. I want everyone to be happy and to love everything. I try to keep a positive outlook while preparing for the worst case scenario and I accept whatever happens with pragmatism and an occasional stubborn determination. My friends keep me alive. My family keeps me sane. My God keeps me existing. My Dean keeps me human, to strive for the 210% even though I can hardly muster a 20%, to care for others while maintaining a sense of self-preservation (and some), to live life as it is and love life as it will be, to live at the present and to give up never, to push on and persevere through anything(demons & apocalypse be damned) for everything that is important(family&loved ones), and to never, ever, leave. It's just so, DEAN is so entirely complex for a simple man. I can never hope to be anything like him. I can only be me and hope that I can be someone Dean or at least (in reality) I-myself- can be proud of too.

When The Case Hits Home

SUPERNATURALLY ADDICTED

I was about to bash my skull into the keyboards, now, you know why? Of course you don't..it's cause I'm freakin addicted to SUPERNATURAL.

It's not that bad, really, i just have almost 500 (and counting) fanfictions and hundreds of icons and pictures, screen caps, epsisode promos, behind the scenes, even videos of interviews, gag reels and bloopers. Now, if only I can rise from my self-imposed perdition and actually write my papers, all would be well.

Sadly, I announce to the whole anonymous audience of the Internet that most of my grades this 1st sem has turned to letters. Yeah. Horrible, I know. But I won't let it stay that way for too long. I don't get to watch Sam n Dean reading and researching and all that stuff without learning anything can't I?

To give proper (depending on whose point of view) justification of the hours I spent upon anything Supernatural-ly; I now present this 10 point list of ...

(drum roll pls)

WHAT I LEARNED FROM SUPERNATURAL

1. You don't give your nine year old son a 45 because when said nine year old grow up it will run away to study Law at Stanford.

2. I learned how much I hate hospitals.

3. I learned how much I am taking my life for granted.

4. I learned how much I love cars, guns, and research.

5. You shouldn't go around getting pinned to the ceiling and burning in front of your family.

6. You shouldn't go around saving people and hunting things while leaving your sons to fend for themselves at a young age.

7. I learned how to spot a concussion and that stitches hurt.

8. I learned how to love Latin (again).

9. I learned how to stop trying to die and to just live how I believe.

10. You shouldn't give your (possessed) only little brother a gun, loaded or not, because no matter what you have done for him, he will shoot... more than once.


uhm..explanations, are they really necessary?

So, whether or not, I'll try.



1. This one is about Sam and how a young child wishing a normal life is pushed into the destined life of the paranormal. Yet he doesn't let destiny shape his own life, heck, he doesn't even let his brother or father dictate him, he abandoned the 'family business' and lived his own life. For at least four years.

2. The number of times I read either of the brothers imprisoned in a hospital (mostly..it's Dean) and their conditions as to merit hospital treatment. It's like, they have to lie low and everything and anything that's not life threatening enough is treated back at their crappy motel rooms. They don't get to go to hospitals unless there's multiple broken ribs (broken ribs are fine), broken bones (dislocated joints are manually fixed), lacerations that looks more like eviscerations -meaning wounds so deep you can see the internal organs (wounds an inch deep are scratches for them Winchesters). And yeah, hospital sometimes mean that, it's so bad it's probably dying - bad.

3. Seriously? The amount of catharsis in Dean, Sam and John (even Mary's) is so tragic it made me appreciate my 'apple pie life more'. First off, Mary was raised as a hunter, didn't enjoy much of a normal life until she was married to normal John. But she was killed by a demon when her oldest son was 4 and her youngest just 6 months old. John, a former Marine, had to live a life obsessed with killing the demon who murdered his wife and in the process alienated his sons to what should have been called a proper childhood. Sam never experienced his mother's love, his father's more interested in hunting and protecting him from evil to actually be there and be a father for him and his older brother is so wrapped up in hero worshipping their father that it's Sam who has to go and find a decent life for himself, which takes him away from the family business but not away from his family.

4. One word: Impala. The '67 Chevy Impala is awesome and I wish I could drive or at least know what parts a cars has cause sometimes I feel like Dean is like, married to the car or something, calling it 'baby' and talking to it...makes me jealous. LOL.
Two Words: Sawed-off Shotgun. Hey, it's tecnically two words right? So, I got this hands-on firing drill on my first year ROTC and that was the day I fell in love with guns. Almost didn't put the gun down, even if I didn't even hit a circle in my target. Lol.
...n Words: Busty Asian Beauties dot com is not a research site, DEAN!

5. Because it's not really Mary's fault that she died, but *** if it wasn't the reason her family's in this crap right now. John and Dean and Sam went to hell and out, in that order.

6. Because I know John is a good father but it's a rare sometimes that it isn't enogh to compensate what went wrong to Sam n Dean's life (and deaths).

7. Concussion is present when patient is getting cross-eyed, snarky and hallucinating graboids under the mattresses. Having to stitch 17 stitches unto your own person, tell me, how does that not hurt?

8. Sometimes omnia vincit veritas doesn't cut it. And I would really like to memorize the Pater Noster and attend a fully Latin Mass and you do know I'm gonna teach myself Latin no matter how hard it is. I'm content to just qoute the demon exorcising latin spell work from supernatural now though.

9. Because Dean got to die a hundred and plus ways and he didn't stay dead. Sam also but the point is that when you exist, you should try your darnest to fight, live and love for your existence not resign to the fact that we shall all die. Dying is an obligation but Living is a Privilege. Live.

10. Nah, just a continuation of how wrong and unfair life is. But even then, you have to know that, you cannot RISE if you have not FALLEN. You cannot correct yourself when you have not made a mistake. And you cannot die when you have not been living.

Living is different from existing.





Somehow, sometimes, I wish that I can stop and pause and rewind my life...don't you?