Dedicate This

One day, when we feel like everything we've done is all for nothing we have to remember that the feeling of not having done anything is a worse thing to feel.

I keep saying to myself that being addicted is having a negative impact in my already wretched life. But, hey, I'm an optimist. I see the bad parts and understand them while observing the good parts and accepting them, imitate them if possible. I watch so much anime and my general realization is 'being dead sucks'. Also those we who are still alive and breathing should do everything in our power to live our life to the fullest and not regret a single action or inaction in our life. Life I think is an addiction.

And nowadays my addiction is Jensen Ackles. His characters. His movies. His Tv Series. His quotes and all. I have learned and relearned various things just watching and addicting to the SUPERNATURAL series of his. Now, I won't make this post another 10 things, well maybe next time. But the point is that not all of this (this being surfing the net for thousands of fanfics, pics and vids - pulling all nighters - missing meals - forgetting to pass papers - in priority of things related to J.A.) not all of this is wasteful energy and pointless mental exercise.

So, Jensen Ackles memorable roles:

Alex Mcdowell / X5 494
also as Ben / X5 493 in Dark Angel

Jason Teague in Smallville

Dean Winchester in Supernatural

Tom Welling in My Bloody Valentine

Priestly in Ten-inch Hero



There really is no stopping me now. I made this pic on Picasa 3. Edited it to look like picture collage. Yey, lookie!

The Death of the Roaches

The Cockroaches, not Pacman's coach.

I abso-friggin-lutly hate those effin cockroaches.

To their death and subsequent extinction, I post this list of


FIVE POINT LIST ON
HOW TO KILL A COCKROACH

PART 1

1. Capture it alive and put it in an empty plastic water bottle. Put a small hole and proceed to fill the bottle with every toxic substances you can get your hands on - granted that it wouldn't kill you too. I suggest, substances that are slow reactants - those that kill slowly but painfully. Experiment and get creative. Place the bottle somewhere you can see and if bored shake it and feel all your troubles go away.

2. Pin it at the wall or floor with pins. Use it as a dart target and acupuncture it until it doesn't move.

3. Use a hammer. Or a shotgun. Even a home made bomb if you will.

4. Capture it alive and send it to North Korea.

5. Tie it to a chair and make it listen as you read your Debate and Argumentation book. It'll die of blood loss due to nose bleeding or internal haemorrhage sooner or later.

This'll be the end of PART I.
To Be Continued...

When The Case Hits Home

SUPERNATURALLY ADDICTED

I was about to bash my skull into the keyboards, now, you know why? Of course you don't..it's cause I'm freakin addicted to SUPERNATURAL.

It's not that bad, really, i just have almost 500 (and counting) fanfictions and hundreds of icons and pictures, screen caps, epsisode promos, behind the scenes, even videos of interviews, gag reels and bloopers. Now, if only I can rise from my self-imposed perdition and actually write my papers, all would be well.

Sadly, I announce to the whole anonymous audience of the Internet that most of my grades this 1st sem has turned to letters. Yeah. Horrible, I know. But I won't let it stay that way for too long. I don't get to watch Sam n Dean reading and researching and all that stuff without learning anything can't I?

To give proper (depending on whose point of view) justification of the hours I spent upon anything Supernatural-ly; I now present this 10 point list of ...

(drum roll pls)

WHAT I LEARNED FROM SUPERNATURAL

1. You don't give your nine year old son a 45 because when said nine year old grow up it will run away to study Law at Stanford.

2. I learned how much I hate hospitals.

3. I learned how much I am taking my life for granted.

4. I learned how much I love cars, guns, and research.

5. You shouldn't go around getting pinned to the ceiling and burning in front of your family.

6. You shouldn't go around saving people and hunting things while leaving your sons to fend for themselves at a young age.

7. I learned how to spot a concussion and that stitches hurt.

8. I learned how to love Latin (again).

9. I learned how to stop trying to die and to just live how I believe.

10. You shouldn't give your (possessed) only little brother a gun, loaded or not, because no matter what you have done for him, he will shoot... more than once.


uhm..explanations, are they really necessary?

So, whether or not, I'll try.



1. This one is about Sam and how a young child wishing a normal life is pushed into the destined life of the paranormal. Yet he doesn't let destiny shape his own life, heck, he doesn't even let his brother or father dictate him, he abandoned the 'family business' and lived his own life. For at least four years.

2. The number of times I read either of the brothers imprisoned in a hospital (mostly..it's Dean) and their conditions as to merit hospital treatment. It's like, they have to lie low and everything and anything that's not life threatening enough is treated back at their crappy motel rooms. They don't get to go to hospitals unless there's multiple broken ribs (broken ribs are fine), broken bones (dislocated joints are manually fixed), lacerations that looks more like eviscerations -meaning wounds so deep you can see the internal organs (wounds an inch deep are scratches for them Winchesters). And yeah, hospital sometimes mean that, it's so bad it's probably dying - bad.

3. Seriously? The amount of catharsis in Dean, Sam and John (even Mary's) is so tragic it made me appreciate my 'apple pie life more'. First off, Mary was raised as a hunter, didn't enjoy much of a normal life until she was married to normal John. But she was killed by a demon when her oldest son was 4 and her youngest just 6 months old. John, a former Marine, had to live a life obsessed with killing the demon who murdered his wife and in the process alienated his sons to what should have been called a proper childhood. Sam never experienced his mother's love, his father's more interested in hunting and protecting him from evil to actually be there and be a father for him and his older brother is so wrapped up in hero worshipping their father that it's Sam who has to go and find a decent life for himself, which takes him away from the family business but not away from his family.

4. One word: Impala. The '67 Chevy Impala is awesome and I wish I could drive or at least know what parts a cars has cause sometimes I feel like Dean is like, married to the car or something, calling it 'baby' and talking to it...makes me jealous. LOL.
Two Words: Sawed-off Shotgun. Hey, it's tecnically two words right? So, I got this hands-on firing drill on my first year ROTC and that was the day I fell in love with guns. Almost didn't put the gun down, even if I didn't even hit a circle in my target. Lol.
...n Words: Busty Asian Beauties dot com is not a research site, DEAN!

5. Because it's not really Mary's fault that she died, but *** if it wasn't the reason her family's in this crap right now. John and Dean and Sam went to hell and out, in that order.

6. Because I know John is a good father but it's a rare sometimes that it isn't enogh to compensate what went wrong to Sam n Dean's life (and deaths).

7. Concussion is present when patient is getting cross-eyed, snarky and hallucinating graboids under the mattresses. Having to stitch 17 stitches unto your own person, tell me, how does that not hurt?

8. Sometimes omnia vincit veritas doesn't cut it. And I would really like to memorize the Pater Noster and attend a fully Latin Mass and you do know I'm gonna teach myself Latin no matter how hard it is. I'm content to just qoute the demon exorcising latin spell work from supernatural now though.

9. Because Dean got to die a hundred and plus ways and he didn't stay dead. Sam also but the point is that when you exist, you should try your darnest to fight, live and love for your existence not resign to the fact that we shall all die. Dying is an obligation but Living is a Privilege. Live.

10. Nah, just a continuation of how wrong and unfair life is. But even then, you have to know that, you cannot RISE if you have not FALLEN. You cannot correct yourself when you have not made a mistake. And you cannot die when you have not been living.

Living is different from existing.





Somehow, sometimes, I wish that I can stop and pause and rewind my life...don't you?

Why is Anagram not an anagram?

....currently eating nissin WAFERS...

while my supposedly study partner lies sleeping in the bed beside me. I said to our matron that I'm working on my paper but really I was just surfing the FB and researching some. I'm gonna work on it after...yamato nadeshiko shichihenge.

i'm researching the different legal forms and documents on the net. Really this things are interesting and funny if you have the right humor, or the wrong one. It's just so complicated and simple at the same time that it pains me to say that i cannot still make one without a guideline or format to copy.



oops. almost forgot that this is supposed to be a "visual artist's" page now. So i uploaded that pic up there which is a wallpaper that i made (1280x800) instead of typing a paper due Monday. aaaanyways, let's have some fun day.

it's already day because it's almost 1 and im still up. I know I had a busy day, but who wants to know? certainly not you, of course. SO, would you like to have a life, but can't? Would you like to have all that you want and desire and need? Would you like to spend the rest of your life in peaceful solitude? Or would you like to die here and now?

You don't need to answer those questions and you don't even need to read them. But I just want to make a point. POINT.

POINT.

Life is short. It's so short that the realization of it's shortness had almost led me to a depression. Life, i thought, is so short, that mine is so insignificant and so worthless and all but why do i continue living? Life, i thought, is supposed to be lived, not the way you want it, not the way your parents want it, not the way your lover want it, not even how God want it. I say this not because I'm an atheist or a pagan, but because I believe in freewill and in choice and in life. But do YOU believe in life? That life is so short to be wasted on trifles and trivialities. I do not acknowledge birthdays...know why? because they signify that you are closer and closer to death's door. And i do not like to be reminded in such an ironic manner like a birthday party. I just plainly hate birthday parties...especially mine.

So, i just feel like im really really wasting my life and i hope you don't feel or do it. I have regretted things that i should have done and shouldn't have, so please you shouldn't be like little ol' me. LIVE life. Because if there's one thing Anime taught me that is universally moral and can be uttered in public without embarrassment that is that: Life is SHORT. as short as a tear drop. as short as a fly's wing. as short as a whisper in the dark. as short as a sigh of a dying man. as short as a kiss of goodbye and as short as a laugh of sorrow.

all of us, we will die, but let's not forget to live and cry, laugh and smile for life is not about what you are doing, but what have you done.

The Zombie Days

I want to say that my happiness does not depend on other people. I know what my happiness is (most of the time) and PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!! PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Would you people just let me be happy!

I don't want people to like me. I don't need people to hate me. I don't need people to do anything except not to do something that i don't like. In short don't please intervene with my own businesses. When I don't like something I really don't like it. When I say I hate cockroaches...I hate them to the point of killing one on site, preferably killing it slowly, violently and painfully. Now, when I say I don't like my fly-away hair, I really don't like it to the point that I will forget that I have a hair like that and imagine myself bald as I walk the street.

I really don't like it. I really don't like it. I really don't like it.

Everytime it comes in view, my heart palpitates with annoyance and anger in split nanosecond before I remember that I am bald (i wish).

And to someone out there who knows, please don't brush my hair in fly-away style. PLEASE!!! Really really please. I'd rather you punch and stab me rather than have my flyaway hair be brushed to be more fly awayier. Please don't do that.

Anyways, I wrote my Fb Page on this Blog as a Visual Artist. I don't want to say that I am not a writer, we all write. But I only consider myself as a Visual Artist more rather than Writer.

Whereas, I want to have my say that in this room full of nursing majors that i once found advantageous, I feel like im being driven to a corner where 'idiots sit here' are spray-painted.

People of the Philippines who are my classmates, I want to say that inside my room, the nursing major are face on books night and day and even on sleep. I mean that they read, they make reviewer, they DISCUSS what they study and they get good grades. Sometimes, they cry when they get 1.5 or 1.75, claiming it too low.

Can you people get it? Compare it to our glorious Course of Political Science and Public Administration? We all know what happens, is happening, had happened...and i don't have to elaborate it here. ew.

So, I had wanted for sometime now to study...seriously study. I joined the CAS COUNCIL precisely because it is full of work and activities and events. I want to be busy. Being bored and unpreocuppied is painful and bad for my physical as well as mental health. When I have lots of work to do, I do it much better and much faster. That's what I know. But other people just won't believe me in this, when im the one who knows the best cause it's my own self we are talking about here.

Whenever I don't sleep at night, I really don't want to sleep because of a reason, and that reason is valid enough, important enough to warrant me not sleeping. I just don't like having people talk to me about it like it's a crime for me to do that. And then force me to eating menudo and rice when I don't want to eat. Ehem Ehem.

The only thing that bugs me the most aside from my happiness being hampered is regretting something that I didn't do that I wished I had. There are many many things I wished I had done for this and that and I can't now. It's all in the past. So I - we just have to accept the past and do everything in our power to have a better future.

I'm just gonna end it here with some wacko love confession from ch. 81 of Ouran Highcshool Host Club.

I love you.
*SHOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!
Sorry I didn't hear you, what did you say?
NO! that was nothing important.
Did you just say you love me?
Wait, if you really heard it...
WAH~~! HIKARU!!! Haruhi is saying that she loves me what should I do!!!!
Don't scream another person's name when someone confesses their love to you!
Confession?...*dies*
I'm sorry, just forget it, I didn't mean to kill you.
WAIT! Me...Me Too!
...'me too? are you just saying you love yourself, too?
under these circumstances, why am i supposed to act like a narcissist? don't you love me?
i didn't say i love, i just said that maybe i could love you.
why are you lying so blatantly?
BECAUSE YOU'RE A BIG IDIOT! ...that's why i don't know if i love you anymore...

For Hope and Those Without

My scars are scabbing and they are annoyingly itchy.

It's so fun to be evil and so sad to be one at the same time.


I have to say, last night I just had a Revelation. I missed almost one week and counting of school that I tried to remember what is it I miss about it. School, you know. I thought about it and remembered, the most I thought about of school is studying. Well, that'll be normal, but then of course everyday I go to school the most dillema I - fashion wise - is the big question of: WHAT WILL I DO WHEN MY SHOES ARE UNTIED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD? and that's about it.

The mental path of one as silly as me, from missing school to fashion disasters. I could hardly call it that, cause personally, I feel it's not what normal teenagers would nominate as fashion disasters. Really, I see them, at school, everyday, those people who wears make up, wears high heels, hairs done you'd think it was saloned. I don't particularly hate them. It's just their 'way of life' is ---difficult. For me, that is. And especially if people force me to it. I still get nightmares from that *doll shoes* event.

After that rant, I'm really glad to say that I'm getting well soon. Very soon. I'm listening to My Chemical Romanance, Linkin Park, and various other J-rock/J-pop. My mood is lifting up. I also read the Defense Devil newest chapter, LOL, is it really surprising that the two main character's Fight to the Death was a battle of Rock-Paper-Scissors???

O, btw, the title refers to my friend, yeah, that one. She's awfully stubborn and annoyingly cute. We don't know what to do with her. She's impossible. She's the type to lecture everyone and then does everything the opposite of what she advices people. Hell, it's like when you talk to her your conversation goes round and round. In order for you to see her point and for her to see your point, blood must be shed, i think. I hope it doesn't lead to such violence, our conversations are fun and witty at the most but-it's just so hard when serious things are considered. It feels like falling in Alice's rabbit hole down, down down to Wonderland.

I once read something that goes like this: regrets are from expecting, but you can never have regrets when you are hoping.

Is it true?

Is it really?

This week, I did not go to school so that I will properly and completely be healed from chicken pox. (It's so that I can have more time for my chicken pox scars to heal and for my friends not to be infected also.) I also have TOO MUCH TIME in my hand and head that I surf the net all day long. With nobody around. With food stocks all in my reach. It feels so peaceful and heavenly, this is my type of environment.

But this week I dub the CALM BEFORE THE STORM.

Why? Because my increasingly paranoid instincts tell me that hell will fall down on me like angry Twilight fans. Next week is the schedule for most of my major subjects. All my handouts are at my dorm, i haven't got anything to study here. I also have to face the cas council and the special events I am co-handling without trainor and without members and without practice. I know I'm just being paranoid, but i can't help it! My academic persona is panicking while my lazy persona is rejoicing!

I can not give hope to those without, for I am also searching.

What They Don't Teach at School

I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school.

They don't teach you how to love somebody.
They don't teach you how to be famous.
They don't teach you how to be rich, or how to be poor.
They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer.
They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind.
They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying.

They don't teach you anything worth knowing.

-From Rose Walker's Journal,
The Sandman Comics by Neil Gaiman





And after years and years,we pay our schools thousand of pesos just to give us a piece of paper.

The stupidity. Well, I see that in today's society that piece of paper counts for something. Anyway, let's talk something sensible, like how addicting is the internet. Well we can just hope that somehow life can be as addicting the net.

I don't have anything much going on personally, except, I hope to watch movies this next few days. An unofficial vacation has been granted to me due to my chicken pox. Well, how weird is that. It's annoying really. *sigh* You gotta stop thinking about the scars on your face after this fiasco ends! Mental note to myself, that is.

At first, I was prepared to use violence and any means necessary just so I can escape the doctor. When I was just by the doctor's door, I even imagined taking the money for the trip and running off in the opposite direction. It wasn't really horrible. Make yourself dumb and lower your iq( not that hard for me ) so that you can take the humiliation and embarrassment that a visit to the doctor entails.

Really now, I have to miss my classes for a week. Not really looking forward to the catching up afterwards. Think of all the handouts i'm gonna swim - I mean skim. Reading copious amount of information and retaining it is a skill I frankly need tuning.

A Madman's Way of the Words and the Worlds

"You know, ennui is insufficient reason to suicide."

I didn't know until I read Neil Gaiman's works.
Aside from the weekly manga updates online, Neil Gaiman's works are one of the few things that persuade me that every breath I take is still worth the ennui. But to you, it might be something like, music? study? or late night news? something stupid like that too, huh. But Neil Gaiman's work of arts are not only that but more, like adding raelity to the hope of the good life and decreasing the weight of life's utter despair. But maybe it's just me.

I'd like to enumerate NEIL GAIMAN'S Works of Art that I know of:

Sandman comic book series. This one is a comic book of 75 issue mostly about the personification/deification of DREAM and his family the Endless, namely; Destiny, Death, Desire, Despair, Delirium and the late Destruction. I hear they're making this one a movie, I hope so.

American Gods. Well the first novel of Gaiman's that i've read, after the first time i read it, i borrowed it, and gave it back months late, and then borrowed it again for awhile, i thought about just taking it, you know not giving it back, cause the book was just so awesome! But i still valued my honor and i gave back the book to it's owner. And yeah, this one's about long forgotten Gods reincarnated and the upcoming war between them and the modern Gods. The old Gods were the Norse, Egyptian, Greecian and the like, guess the other Gods? Yep, they were Technology, Mass Media and etc.

Good Omens. This one Gaiman co-writed it with another author, but it still reads like him though. The maggots, particularly the maggots. The Anti-Christ is just a kid and the Armaggedon is coming while an Angel and Demon work together to stop it consulting a book of (very accurate) prophecy written by a witch centuries ago. Fun read, if you want to laugh at humanity at it's foibles on how, inevitable and unresistable a deed, an act, a sin is.

Anansi Boys. Now, this one I like. As a teen, I can relate to Fat Charlie Nancy's embarrassment about his father, but it doesn't stop me from laughing out loud at his clumsiness. I love his brother Spider though. A story that is about family and brotherhood and magic and self-confidence and songs.

Coraline & Beowulf. Coraline story and plot written by Gaiman, Beowulf script written by Gaiman. Awesomeness speak for it self in the big screen. Watch and be awed.

Fragile Things & Smokes and Mirrors. This two are collection of short stories and poems written by Neil Gaiman. Interesting read. Extremely interesting.

Neverwhere & Stardust. Neverwhere I have not a chance to read (im broke) and Stardust is a novel that has been adopted to a movie, I hear.

That ends my Neil Gaiman litany. And so's my post.

Good to see y'all.