{{ Breaker, Breaker }}------it never ends

"Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true

If you can understand the me, than I can understand the you"

-The Unforgiven II, METALLICA

I was never one of those people who see themselves first. It's not that I'm self-less, it's just that I don't - I didn't care. I didn't care what I want. I didn't care what you want. What I need or what you need. It's just that it never got to my head to care before. I was a pampered SOB. That was then. And I lived life now, no matter how much I resent - I don't regret...much. House chores are house chores, they aren't much responsibility and may as well be taken care of by a 10 year old. In fact, some do. And I am way past 10 years old. Responsibilities are bothersome but they are the lifeblood that pumps purpose in the otherwise useless existence of human beings. Responsibilities are a bitch sometimes, but they are needed so as to survive this ---- world. Put your own adjective to describe it, I wouldn't want to destroy your idealism (or whatever is left of it). I'm just saying that I was avoiding responsibilities like the plague before. Now I realize I'm wrong and I'm sorry and I have to make it right. By accepting responsibilities - yeah, even by seeking responsibilities - I can practice what I know of leadership and life in general, also one of the best way to determine your capability and/or extent of skills and potential. Because of this, I am afraid, hell, I will be lying if i say I am not. However, really this responsibilities heaping on my shoulders are a bit abrupt and I am afraid I may not reach expectations but I am trying and doing and trying and doing again. I am stretching my atrophied muscles and "going out of my comfort zone" so as to speak. I do not want regrets. If inevitably I do have regrets, may it be regret from doing something and not being enough ~ instead of a regret from not doing something. Terrible, terrible frustration and regret it is to feel, the regret of doing nothing. A regret that have followed my footsteps and shadowed for years and that which I am determined to stop. now.


Mama - Metallica ~~~ Mama she has taught me well Told me when I was young Son, your life's an open book Don't close it fore it's done The brigtest flame burns quickest Is what I heard they say A son's heart's owned to mother But I must find my way *Let my heart go Let your son grow Mama let your heart go Or let this heart be still


**Never I ask you
But never I gave
But you gave me your emptiness
I now take to my grave
Never I ask of you
But never I gave
But you gave me your emptiness
I now take to my grave
So let this heart be still
(favorite part)

Last last day. It rain at sunset and the scene outside was washed out sepia. It was awesome. I love everyday and everything. I want everyone to be happy and to love everything. I try to keep a positive outlook while preparing for the worst case scenario and I accept whatever happens with pragmatism and an occasional stubborn determination. My friends keep me alive. My family keeps me sane. My God keeps me existing. My Dean keeps me human, to strive for the 210% even though I can hardly muster a 20%, to care for others while maintaining a sense of self-preservation (and some), to live life as it is and love life as it will be, to live at the present and to give up never, to push on and persevere through anything(demons & apocalypse be damned) for everything that is important(family&loved ones), and to never, ever, leave. It's just so, DEAN is so entirely complex for a simple man. I can never hope to be anything like him. I can only be me and hope that I can be someone Dean or at least (in reality) I-myself- can be proud of too.

Nascentes Morimur

Est queadam fiere voluptas
There is a certain pleasure in weeping. (Ovid)


You know you are back home when you wake up at the floor to see a chicken walking by and the incessant sound of the telephone providing a background music. You realize life is not and does not consist of the four corners of your dorm room, your class room or of a computer's monitor. There's a whole world out there. We have to find it the right one for us rather than wait for the wrong ones to find us.

Then when you've followed the not quite yellow brick rode. Stand back and see for yourself. Is this what you really want? Is this where you want to be? Are the people you know know you or do you really know them at all? Are you living?

It's not - our psych class tells us it's called "catharsis" - Catharsis as crying is not inclusive to a gender. Really. We roll all day long with or without a smile on our face and is that fake or not? Cause putting a fake smile or smiling sad is as tiring as crying your eyes out.

I'm just saying...Man, it's healthy.


Damnant quod non intellegunt
They condemn what they do not understand


I don't understand --- Cockroaches. I condemn them.
I condemn them to hell. I hate, loathe, - I just - yuck cockroaches.

Know Thy Enemy

COCKROACH FACTS

Cockroaches belong to Kingdom Animalia, Phylum Arthropoda, Class Insecta and Order Blattaria. Some species invade human dwellings and are considered pests. These cockroaches can be carriers of various diseases because they are commonly found near waste deposits or in the kitchen, where food is present. Restaurants may also experience cockroach infestations.

Cockroaches can measure over one inch in length, with tropical species tending to be larger than those found in other climates. Cockroaches have six legs, two antennae and wings. However, a number of winged cockroaches are not particularly adept at flying.

Cockroaches emit unpleasant odors and may also produce sound. The Madagascar hissing cockroach is the most famous of these vocal cockroaches, although more common species may produce quieter clicking or chirping noises.

From ORKIN

COCKROACH MYTH

Contrary to popular belief, cockroaches are not afraid of light. Although most species do prefer darkness, some are actually attracted to light and can be found gathering near windows or on television screens at night. Most of these nocturnal insects will scatter when a light is shone upon them. However, this reaction is much more influenced by their fear of humans than their distaste for light.

Gruesome urban legends concerning the development of immature cockroaches within human wounds or fast foods are unfounded, as is the belief that cockroaches aggressively consume human fingernails and toenails. Cockroaches develop their populations in moist, warm areas inside and out but do not use human bodies as hosts. They may bite in the event of severe infestation and lack of other food sources, but this is also rare. Cockroaches prefer to feed on decaying organic matter and inanimate, starchy foods such as glue and wallpaper

From ORKIN



Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit
Perhaps someday we will look back upon these things with joy


&*@$! Contemplating about future makes me crazy. It's like this whole vast ocean stretched before my eyes and I should have learned to swim and except I didn't and I have to and I just know I'll drown and I don't have any choice. Sigh. Life is difficult. I understand that. I want to shape my own life the way it should have - if I haven't been as absent minded as I should have these past few years. And it feels like the heavens is crashing and falling upon me. But I like the feeling of having a goal - no matter how impossible, no matter how ridiculous, no matter how trivial - it's the acts that matter not the thoughts. I mean, the consequences of my actions can be reaped only if there were actual actions that happened before hand. Funny. It's the procrastinator in me, it didn't really die but i'm killing it. As sure as I can be, no matter how slow.

I wonder if everything would be the same again.

I know everything would never be the same again.

We begin to die, the moment we are born

Like a Manual, or something

This has been one hell of a semester. Though I mean that in a positive way, it has me thinking of the last two semester left for me in my university. Banzai, higher education, you managed to endure a student like me for three years and counting. I have to get my point somewhere, yes? My point is it's after three years that I realized. Realized how important the academic life is in order for people, for us, for me to find the "good life". Realized how even though this was not the course I intended for myself originally (I learned to love it, I really do) that from choosing *that* to *this* - *this* was more challenging, more fulfilling and I may have chosen this path not solely owing to the great persuasion skills of my sire but because subconsciously I understood how it can tap to potential. Realized that antipathy is better than apathy and self-consciousness is better than non-attachment and ignorance is not bliss it just makes you stupid and indifference is irreverence. That's just the introspection and daydreams talking.


Cool Myspace Generators


"Life: discover it in Political Science."
"Or Lose Your Sanity."

Books are food of the brain. Then I guess my brain is a bit undernourished. I figured I probably should write about my commentaries and critiques about Ben Ali, Mubarak, or Gadhafi but as I am not nearly as knowledgeable about them and their issues as I am with --- my fandoms, better I read about other people's commentaries and critiques. Classes are bright and enlightening nowadays especially when I and my beloved classmates participate actively. My self-worth is being rediscovered. Really got touched when I read the book about law professors and how they endure low income with their high intellect just for the sake of teaching students. And how they are proud when their students exceed their expectations or take achievements.

I'm not gonna ramble on now, cause I have 'real life' calling me. I'm not hating real life. I'm not. I love it.

The Psychology of the Psychotic

anthropomorphism n. Attribution of human motivation, characteristics, or behavior to inanimate objects, animals, or natural phenomena ...

As per usual, I am wasting my time reading fanfiction and not studying. But I'll get right on that. Because, believe it or not, I am paying attention in classes right now.

Oh, why shouldn't people be nice and good without secretly being evil - for a change? There's nothing as frustrating as wanting to do something but facing hindrance by something out of your own power. Like, when you know you can do something but you can't because it's not your decision to make whether that something should be assigned to you. And...you end up with a craptastic job that you don't know, don't like and that you hate. It's just like making a mistake - and enrolling in a different college course than the one you'd like and suffering through four years of torture. Studying; things you'd rather puke at than read. Not having time for your own interest; because you have to 'study'. Makes me wonder whether the public/private educational system is a boon or a bane.

You're right Ariane, "Education could ruin our common sense." Charm, stop being so pessimistic about yourself and just DO it and stop overthinking about things. Ivy, I understand how it is...reading true-to-life story should be good or Jan Kooiman's book will do.

There are crazies out there in the world. We can't let ourselves be distracted from life itself. Even if we know how FUBAR it is. Breathing and Living it we have the choice to be...to exist and define that existence. Or would you rather drown yourself in depression in thinking about needless, unproductive thoughts?

I think, sometimes, that the Apocalypse is coming. Or starting, whatever. Just read the Revelations or the newspapers - it's the same trite predictions of the symbolic four horsemen's advent. Ooh...better yet, you can watch Supernatural. That'll be taking it over the top.

My mind is focused if I am interested in what I am doing and am willing to waste time in doing it and that I can persuade myself that I am not wasting my time in taking time to do it. Also, I'd be proud of myself if I can make a blog post without a reference to Supernatural. I would really. Except, it won't be interesting to read ramblings of a half-sane creature about things like Post-Modernism, Consumerism, US Intervention, Philippine Military's Modernization, Bussiness and Technology, and the uprisings in the Arab States this 2011.

My sister's a weirdo. 'Bakit ka palagi kang ganyan?' Madali uminit ang ulo.